parenting

Nov

2022

Children and Their Mental Health

Reading Time: 3 minutes

Just like adults, your children and their mental health are equally important. A healthy mental health during childhood is an important contributing factor to their overall wellness when they grow up.

Effect of the Pandemic on Children

The COVID-19 pandemic forced us to adapt to a whole new world. If many adults are having a hard time coping with the stress that the new normal brought upon us, what more the children? They were forced off school when the pandemic hit. After that, they got used to going to school online. And now that the world is opening up again, they found themselves having to deal with classmates. And there is still the danger of having to go through a new set of restrictions again in the future.

What about those children who got infected with COVID-19? They themselves had to experience the feeling of isolation. And how about those who lost a loved one during the pandemic? And this is just about the pandemic.

Traumatic Experiences of Children

The truth of the matter is that some events that are normal for an adult such as taking care of a person who is sick can be traumatic for a child. Remember, they are just children and not yet capable of handling adult responsibilities. According to the US Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) there are some events that can be traumatic for children. These experiences include:

Separation of Parents
Having a Long-Term Physical Illness
Death of a Loved One
Parent who has problems like Drug or Alcohol Addiction
Physical or Sexual Abuse
Bullying
Taking on Adult Responsibilities
Birth of A New Sibling
Moving Homes or School

Since children are really vulnerable, these traumatic events can lead to severe emotional turmoil which can cause mental health problems in children.

Signs of Mental Stress on Children

Here are signs of mental stress on children:

Anger Outbursts
Anxiety
Difficulty Concentrating
Fear
Irritability
Nightmares
Sadness
Sleep Disruption

What Can Parents Do?

If you see the signs being manifested in your children, there are things that you can do to intervene so that it will not become a full blown mental health issue when they grow up.

1. Listen

By listening to your child, you are showing them that they are important to you. It also will give them assurance that you are there for them. This in turn will build their confidence knowing that you got their back.

2. Be Involve

As a parent, your task is not just to listen. You also need to be involved. Show interest in their life. What do they love doing? Play with them. Do activities that the child enjoys. Attend school activities. Connect with them and encourage them.

3. Take Them Seriously

Many parents will listen but only a few will take them seriously. Their fears, apprehensions and difficulties are real. it may sound trivial compared to adult problems but remember they are just children. The challenges are maybe too big for them to handle. Taking them seriously means you value them.

4. Work With Others

It is important to work with other adults around them such as their teachers, caregivers and other adult members of the family. The people around your children are aware and therefore, understand them too. It is also recommended to talk with other parents or a support group who has a better understanding of how to handle such situations.

5. Create Positive Routines

Children are creatures of habits. When you create positive routines for them to follow, chances are they are going to be doing this for life. So, create positive routines. You are not only prepping them up for success; but you are also teaching them to refocus their attention and in the process overcome the negative experience.

In a nutshell, children are vulnerable. A minor event can cause severe trauma for them. And this might affect their emotional wellness until their adult lives. So as parents, it is important to validate their feelings but at the same time make them feel that you are there for them. Your love, support and understanding can do wonders to their emotional health.

Image by Bob Dmyt from Pixabay

Nov

2021

3 Hats of Parenting

Reading Time: 3 minutes

Are your children happy? Are they capable, self-confident and successful? Did you know that your parenting style has a great effect on who they are, how they see themselves, what they have accomplished so far and what they will become in the future? Over parenting will cripple your children while too little will make them lose their way. That is why your type of parenting is very crucial in forming the personality of a child. According to preacher and best-selling author, Bo Sanchez; there is no one style of parenting. Instead, parenting style should evolve as the child grows up. Bo Sanchez said parenting is a journey in which the parents have to wear three kinds of hats. Parents should change hats as the child grows. He calls them the 3 hats of parenting.

There are many different styles of parenting. Parents normally employ one parenting style to all their children depending on the parents’ personalities. Sometimes, parents pattern their parenting style exactly as how they were brought up by their parents. However, did you know that parents should modify their parenting style as the child grows? Parenting roles should adapt to the changing needs of the child. One type of style may no longer be appropriate for the specific age of the child.

1.Controller’s Hat

When your children are still small, you must wear the controller’s hat. The controller’s hat of parenting simply means that you should be able to teach children and give instructions while they are still young. Equally important is that you should have the ability to control the situation and make your children follow you. In other words, as parents, you should be able to manage and discipline your children.

Children are very creative when it comes to demanding what they want. They can throw tantrums, they can cry out loud, they can stomp their feet or sit down on the floor and cry their heart out. Instead of giving in to their demands, you should be able to regulate their emotions and behavior. You can’t just buy them a toy each time they throw a tantrum in the mall. You can’t just let them eat all the junk foods that they want. You can’t allow them to play with their gadgets all day otherwise they might end up being addicted to social media, gadgets or games.

There are so many things that you can teach your child. But the bottom line is you have to teach and make them do certain things. You need to make them study. You need to teach them how to tidy their room or keep their toys after playing. Making them follow a schedule or routine is advisable including setting a bedtime.

In other words, let them feel that you are in control and not the other way around. As a parent, you should make rules and enforce these rules. You need to be able to talk it out with your child. You don’t need to punish them harshly when they don’t follow. Instead, do things like praising good behavior or setting a good example.

2.Coaching Hat

When your child becomes a teenager, whether you like it or not, you need to change hats. You have to accept the fact that your child now has a mind of their own. Trying to control them will no longer work. Instead of being helpful, wearing a controller’s hat can backfire and your teenager might end up rebelling. The best way to deal with teenagers is through coaching.

By definition, a coach teaches, trains and assists. In sports for example, a coach just sits by the bench and sends the player to play alone. A coach just watches the player. A coach gives strategies but gives the player enough freedom to decide on the details of the strategy. He does not interfere in the game but he will always be there when he is needed by the player.

Just like a coach, parents of teenagers should teach, train and assist their children. Parents should be there when the child needs them. However, the child needs to be given the freedom to do his/her own thing. Parents should learn to let go and trust their teenagers. Avoid nitpicking on every little detail.

3.Consultant’s Hat

When your child becomes an autonomous adult, the parent should again change hats from coaching to that of a consultant. An autonomous adult means someone who is already working and maybe have a family of their own.

A consultant is someone who gives advice. It is different from a coaching hat because a coach can pull his player away from the game anytime. A consultant cannot do that. A consultant gives advice only when asked. In short at this point in time, the parent’s role is just to be there when their child needs them. Parents should not interfere with the child’s life especially if the child is already married and has a family of their own.

Changing hats is not an easy thing to do for parents but it is something that must be done if you want to have a harmonious and healthy relationship with your children. It is only by slowly letting go will your child be able to grow and mature through life.

Edited Version. First Published in Pinoy Smart Living on 21.08.2019.

Feature Image by Photo by Berendey_Ivanov / Andrey_Kobysnyn from Pexels

Nov

2021

Self-Confidence Begins at Home

Reading Time: 2 minutes

Are you a confident person? Did you know that your self-confidence begins at home? How we see ourselves today is a product of how we were brought up as children. Our self-esteem is shaped by how much we felt loved and adored as a child by our parents.

Building Self-Confidence in the Early Years

Look back into your childhood. Did you feel unconditional love and acceptance from your parents or from the people who brought you up? Were your accomplishments praised? On the contrary, have you ever felt that you were not good enough?

Studies reveal that a person’s confidence level was developed during childhood. Even as a young child, a person with a high sense of self-esteem is happy, proud, secure and feels accepted. On the other hand, an insecure person feels incompetent and lacking even at such a young age. They are self-critical and always doubt themselves. Thus, this means that the love, encouragement and attention that you received as a child molded your sense of self-worth.

Hidden Messages of Water

Dr. Masaro Emoto is a bestselling author and internationally renowned Japanese scientist. He discovered that water molecules when exposed to positive words and intentions creates a beautiful molecular formation. However, negative words create the opposite.

For example, the image above is the formation of molecules as viewed on a microscope. The water was exposed to the words or music indicated. In relation to this, the human body is made up of 60% water. So, this means that the words that you have been hearing since young which you now believed to be the truth have greatly impacted your being. Hearing “I love you” or “you are not good enough” has a contrasting effect on the individual.

Believe in Yourself

Thus, it is difficult to believe in yourself if you have been hearing the opposite all these years. And this is what self-confidence does – the trust and belief in one’s abilities and judgement. Without it, it is hard to keep up with life’s challenges, much more to handle setbacks and failures in life. We cannot undo the past but we can change this negative belief about one’s self by loving yourself.

If you are a parent, the greatest gift that you can give your child is to make them believe in themselves.

Image Photo by Monstera from Pexels

Sep

2020

When Parental Achievement Goals Become Too Much

Reading Time: 3 minutes

It is only natural for parents to aspire for their children’s success. However, when taken to the extremes, it becomes destructive. Because of the parents’ desire, children are being pressured to excel from a very young age. When parental achievement goals become too much for the child to handle, it leads to more harm than good. This has become the biggest cause of stress among the youth today.

Parental Pride

Parental pride is human nature. Parents feel happy and proud every time their children will achieve some form of accomplishment. Just take a look at your social media accounts. How many posts have you seen of proud parents congratulating their children on their achievements? It can be as simple as a child’s first word or first art work to an adult child’s acceptance to a prominent university.

Some parents are taking it to the next level by setting up social media accounts for their newborns. Parents are now raising their children in the social media limelight. But is this parental behavior really good for the children? Studies about ‘sharenting’, a term that means the overuse of social media by parents sharing contents about their children, indicate that such behavior is doing more harm than good to the children. Aside from parents’ violating their child’s privacy, it is also putting unnecessary pressure on the child.

Parental Achievement Goals

Parents only wants the best for their children but sometimes; unintentionally, their parental achievement goals are becoming harmful. Every now and then, it is best for parents to reflect if their achievement goals are really still for the welfare of the child.

Sky Castle: Parental Achievement Goals to the Extreme

Sky Castle, a Korean drama is an excellent drama that deals with this sensitive topic on parenting. It is a story about four wealthy families who lived in a posh and exclusive village called the Sky Castle. The fathers in the four families are all equally successful. Because of the success attained by the head of each household in Sky Castle, they expect their children to follow the footsteps of their fathers. Nothing but only the best is acceptable.

To ensure that the children excel academically and get accepted in one of the top universities in Korea; the parents resorted to extraordinary lengths such as planning the children’s schedules up to the minute details and building a soundproof room for studying. The desire for their children to excel in Sky Castle has become a competitive sports that it brought immense pressure on the children. It was heartbreaking to watch the children’s lives being destroyed one by one as a result of the parents’ quest for achievement.

Although a work of fiction, Sky Castle had succeeded in hitting a nerve. It is so close to reality. Many parents nowadays put emphasis on the children’s achievements. In fact, several surveys done indicated that a great majority of parents; regardless of race, culture and social class, place their children’s achievements or performances as their top concern. Parents praised their children when they excel but blame and punish them harshly if they do not.

This satirical drama is a highly recommended show for all parents out there. As parents, you will learn a lot about the importance of parenting and hardships in raising children. At the same time, it will also give you a deeper understanding on looking at things from the point of view of your children.

Duty of Parents

It is the responsibility of the parents to make sure that their children grow up to be healthy, happy and responsible human beings. It is also the duty of the parents to program their children for success. However, success is relative. The parent’s definition of success may be different from that of the children. Instead of focusing solely on the child’s achievements, it is best that parents focus on helping children achieve their dreams by providing the child with a loving and supportive environment. Remember that not all children are the same. Children have different interests, gifts and talents. It is the role of the parents to find out what these are and unleash the genius within each child . Only be doing so will they grow up to be exceptional individuals.

Updated version. First published in Pinoy Smart Living in 23.08.2019.

Feature Image Credit JTBC of Korea.

Sep

2020

How to Help Your Children Achieve Their Dreams

Reading Time: 4 minutes

What’s your dream? if you ask young children, more often than not, they will tell you exactly what they want in life. Unfortunately, as people grow older, our dreams and goals become less clear. We get caught up trying to make a living. We are also heavily influenced by society that we ended up losing ourselves in the process. A lot of people nowadays don’t even know what they want. If adults are lost, how do you expect your children, especially the teenagers, to know what they want? Thus as parents, it is important to know how to help your children achieve their dreams.

Big Dreams

While young, have you noticed that children have big dreams? Their dreams have no limitations and restrictions. For them, anything is possible, But as they grow older, their dreams tend to become more conservative and realistic. Gone were the the grand dreams. Some even forget their dreams totally. So, what happened? Where did all the big dreams go?

Role of Parents

As parents, you have great control and influence of your children’s dreams, more than you think you have. What they will believe to be attainable or not are all dependent on what you believe as parents to be possible and impossible. Parents are the children’s inspiration and motivation in life. We are their role models. If you think that your child’s dreams are unrealistic, your child will grow up believing that his/her dreams are simply unattainable. Your negative thinking will greatly influence your child’s thinking. Your mindset affects the direction of both your life and your child’s life.

Supporters

Your role as parents is to support them with their dreams. Believe in them. Everyone has a purpose in life. Everyone is a genius. Your role is to find your child’s genius.

When is your child happy?
What’s his/her talents?
What is he good at?
What activities does he/she like the most?

Observe your children’s interests. Pay attention to the skills that they are good at. Then do your homework. Research about their dreams. Maybe you can afford to enroll them in specialize classes about their interests. You can also help document their dreams. For example, it is so common for teachers in kindergarten to ask children to draw what they want to be when they grow up. Why not keep that paper and file it so that you can show it to your child when he/she grows up? There are so many little things that you can do that can help your child achieve their dreams.

Stewards

Many parents keep on forgetting that it is not about them. So, they ended up forcing their children to fulfill their unfulfilled dreams. When in fact, parents do not own their children. Parents are just stewards. Parents are entrusted with the responsibility of looking after their children until they are ready to stand on their own. Thus, parents are managers not owners. Children should have the right to choose their own future.

When you become a parent, it’s not all about you anymore.
– Carre Otis

Role Models

Since very young, children look for someone to imitate. Most of the time, the parents are the closest people that they grow up with. Subconsciously, children grow up imitating their parents. Thus, it is not enough for parents to give guidelines verbally. How a parent acts and behaves are more important than the verbal teachings. A positive role model is a powerful way to influence children in achieving their goals.

Parents must lead by example. Don’t use the cliche; do as I say and not as I do. We are our children’s first and most important role models.
– Lee Haney

No More Dream

What if the children grew up to be unmotivated, or worse, have no more dream despite the parent’s support? This can cause a lot of stress for parents. Of course, parents want their children to have big goals and dreams. Unfortunately, because of the dictates of society or several other factors such as hanging out with the wrong sets of friends; a child can grow up with no dream. If this happens, know that It’s okay. You don’t have to force it right away. it will come in time. But it doesn’t mean that you cannot do anything about it.

New Perspective

Have you heard of the gap year? Others call it the sabbatical year. It is basically a year or semester break before or after college. The purpose is for the student to learn a different perspective in life. The student can go traveling, learn something new, volunteer, get a job or do anything that is different from his/her regular routine.

If a gap year is not feasible, you can opt to make them attend a seminar, watch an inspiring video, read a book or find them a mentor. The key is to help them get a new perspective in life, a different way of looking at things. It is difficult to know what you want if you are subjected to the same routine and environment over and over again.

In a nutshell, the only way to help your children to achieve their dreams is to let them create and allow them to follow their own dreams. Respect their individuality. Refrain from enforcing your own dreams and don’t let them fall prey to society’s expectations. Trust that they can do it. Your belief in them can take them places.

Feature Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay Images