mindset

May

2022

The Four Agreements: A Code of Conduct for Happiness

Reading Time: 3 minutes

The Four Agreements was published in 1997. It has sold around 10 million copies and has been on the New York Times Bestselling list for almost a decade. In this book, retired surgeon and Eagle-Knight shaman Don Miguel Ruiz provides a code of conduct that we can follow to reduce suffering and find peace in our every day life.

Don Miguel Ruiz states that everything we do is based on agreements that we make. These are agreements we make with our selves, with our family members, bosses, colleagues, clients, even with God and with life, in general. By observing the four agreements; we can transcend the limiting beliefs that keep us bound to the rules and boundaries of our every day reality. It gives us a different perspective on how we can live a life of freedom, truth, happiness and love.

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word

The way we talk to ourselves is the way we talk about others and to the rest of the world. Therefore, it is important be careful with how we use our words. Get in the habit of saying only what you mean and when in doubt, say nothing at all. This is especially important in the age of social media where fake news and gossip are easily created, distributed and consumed.

Words transform. Speak only with good purpose. Say only things that serve you and others. Choose your words wisely.
– Robert G. Allen

Before you pass on information or to deal with information from others; keep in mind Socrates’ Triple Filter Test: Is it true? Is it good or kind? Is it useful? If you can’t answer YES to any of the 3 questions, then it’s best not to spread the word. Remember, think before you speak or before you click to share.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally

Remember that the words and actions of other people are the products of their own experiences. Keep in mind that if you were in their shoes; you might speak and act the same way that they do as well. You can always choose to avoid toxic people. You can always choose to not to behave like a toxic person yourself.

We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It’s one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it’s another to think that your’s is the only path.
– Paulo Coelho

Few people are conscious of their own actions and are not always able to control themselves in various situations.

People love to judge, get used to it and stop taking it personally.
– Kathryn Budig

So, if someone reacted negatively to you; don’t take it to heart. They may just be having a bad day but that shouldn’t affect your whole day.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions

Assumptions are one of the most popular cause of misunderstanding. A lot of disappointments are often the result of people assuming things without asking the other person if it is true, if they approve of the information, if they agree to the conditions, etc. We often assume that we have a “mutual understanding” and then we end up suffering from unmet expectations. Of course, this is unfair to the other person who was not even aware that you had such expectations of them.

The most misleading assumptions are the ones you don’t even know you’re making.
– Douglas Adams

Instead of assuming, look and listen without judgment. Be courageous enough to ask questions to clarify and to understand. When someone is giving an answer to your question, truly listen. Be aware of your own tendency to assume things about yourself and other people as well as about certain situations.

4. Always Do Your Best

We always want to be the best we can be, at all times. We forget that our best changes from moment to moment even as our thoughts and emotions change from moment to moment. Even our goals change throughout the day just as the people around us are constantly coming and going along. Not everyone can be the best at everything they want or do. Everyone has different abilities and is good at different things; so it is also not good to always compare yourself with other people.

Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.
– Maya Angelou

Instead of aiming to be consistently good all the time; aim to do your very best with what you can, with what you have, from where you are, at the moment. It is not everyday that you can run a mile in the same number of minutes; sometimes you have to limp along in order to reach the finish line. The important thing is you accomplished something and progressed a little bit towards your goal instead of doing nothing to move forward.

It will take a lot of discipline and consistent practice to truly master observance of the four agreements. You will need to love yourself enough to recognize and accept your own self-imposed agreements. By being aware of these limiting beliefs you imposed on yourself; you can forgive yourself and create better agreements. Start with yourself so you can become more confident to do the same with other people around you.

Feature Image: Original Photo by Chris Liverani on Unsplash.

Mar

2022

Do You Know About Environmental Wellness?

Reading Time: 2 minutes

Do you know about environmental wellness? Are you environmentally well? Having a healthy environment is important. It is where we go about pursuing our goals. It is important that our environment makes us feel safe to express our authentic ourselves. We should feel safe enough to do what we want to do, and receive support from our social circle too.

One of the first conditions of happiness is that the link between man and nature shall not be broken.
– Leo Tolstoy

In reality, not everyone is in an ideal environment to stay healthy and focused on self growth. However, there are some things that we can do to improve our environment. Here are 10 questions you can ask yourself to assess your environmental wellness.

Are You Taking Care of Your Environment?

Ask yourself: Do I …

Make a conscious effort to conserve energy (by shutting off lights when not in use, keeping doors closed to preserve cool air, walking, biking, or carpooling, etc.) whenever I can?
Purchase energy-efficient products and sustainable materials when possible?
Make a conscious effort to conserve water at home and in other places I go to?
Do my part to reduce air pollution (by keeping my car tuned up, having plants around my living space and home, etc.)?
Make a conscious effort to not litter (bringing reusable water tumblers, etc.)?
Recycle and use recyclable products?
Buy organic and sustainable products even though they can be more expensive?
Buy from local farmers and businesses whenever I can even though it can be more expensive?
Spend time to support environmental organizations and activities?
Keep myself updated on current environmental issues as well as potential solutions and strategies?

There are many more things that we can do to help us achieve and maintain our environmental wellness. Being mindful of how we contribute to environmental issues is a small step that we can do right away. Then, we can start making conscious efforts to reduce our negative impact on the environment. In our own homes, we can start by clearing our space of negative energy and decluttering. This way, we can have clarity on how we can improve all dimensions of our wellness.

Featured Image: Original Photo by Lucas Allmann from Pexels.

Mar

2022

Religion and Spirituality: Is There A Difference?

Reading Time: 2 minutes

What is the difference between spirituality and religion? Spirituality and religion are different concepts; but they often get confusing. We often end up describing our religious beliefs and practices when talking about our spirituality. Their purpose and practices can overlap and crossover, but they do have some basic differences.

Institutional vs Individual

Religion, by definition, is an institutionalized set of beliefs. It is practiced by a group of people; generally, in the service and worship of God or the divine. Exclusivity is also a feature of religion. When you are a member of a particular religious group; you cannot be a member of another religious group.

On the other hand, spirituality is more of a deeply personal experience. Its purpose is mainly to connect with something larger than you. This is experience is also referred to as a divine connection. Spirituality is also inclusive as it recognizes different modalities of connecting with the divine. In both cases, the experience of engaging with the divine, through worship, or personal connection, is considered sacred.

Objective vs Subjective

Religion is more of an objective experience. The external environment has a lot to do with its practice. For example, you go to a place of worship (e.g., church, temple, mosque, etc.), and you learn from a book of scriptures. There are also traditions and rituals that you observe to practice your religious beliefs.

Spirituality is more of a subjective experience. It focuses more on the internal process of developing your inner understanding and self awareness. Spirituality recognizes that individuals’ have their own pace in developing spirituality. It also accepts different ways of observing one’s spirituality. Although the focus of the practice may be different, both encourage self-reflection for the individual to grow and improve.

Judgment vs Acceptance

Another difference between religion and spirituality is the approach or the perspective in their teachings. In religious beliefs, failing to observe or practice its tenets generally results in punishment; while those devoted to the practice are rewarded. Though this may not be the intention; sadly, the concept of original sin, judgment, divine retribution and reward, encourage devotion more often based on fear.

In contrast, spirituality has a less judgment-based approach and encourages a more compassionate perspective. It recognizes that there are different world-views with the belief that they can all co-exist through understanding and compassion, acceptance and understanding, and a common desire to create a peaceful world for all. Forgiveness and letting go are encouraged more than punishment. Though this may sound too idealistic; the underlying concept is basically to act in the world with love as your guiding principle.

Spirituality is an important component in your overall wellness. Spirituality and religion are different but they also have a lot of similarities. When you are a member of a religious organization; it does not mean that you cannot be spiritual. Spirituality encompasses different ways of experiencing the divine. Religious practices are one of the many ways to develop your spirituality.

Feature Image: Original Photo by Mikhail Nilov from Pexels.

Mar

2022

How to Improve Your Intellectual Wellness

Reading Time: 3 minutes

How would you like to improve your intellectual wellness? Intellectual wellness is an important component of our overall wellness. We are actively using our intellect in our daily life even if we are not always aware of it.

A high IQ is not the only measure of intelligence. There are different ways that individuals manifest intelligence. We often think of Albert Einstein when we think of intelligent people with high IQs. But we also have geniuses in music, art, engineering, and other fields of study. Here are some ways that can help you improve your intellectual wellness.

Take Care of Your Health

It takes a healthy body to maintain a healthy brain. Your physical wellness is the foundation that will help you develop and enhance all other aspects of your wellness. So drink your 8 glasses of water daily, eat healthy, exercise regularly and sleep adequately. There is such a thing as a mind-body connection. You won’t be able to focus on improving your mind if you don’t have a healthy body.

To keep a healthy body in good health is a duty… Otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.
Buddha

Plan your day so you can work SMART instead of working harder. Make sure to make time for meditation and self care to calm your senses. This will allow you to focus better so you can be more productive. This way, you will have more time to spend on the things you want and love.

Indulge Your Curiosity

We all have been curious as children but we learned to suppress this instinct as adults. Being curious doesn’t mean just asking questions. It is a desire to find the answers to your questions that makes it worthwhile. If you’re curious about a certain place, travel there and experience it yourself. There is no better way to indulge your curiosity than to be immersed in another environment. So don’t hesitate to take that road trip with your friends.

Be curious. Read Widely. Try new things. What people call intelligenve just boils down to curiosity.
Aaron Swartz

A more affordable way to satisfy your curiosity is by reading books, listening to audiobooks and podcasts and watching videos on topics you are interested about. You can also talk to other people who are experienced or experts at these topics. Taking classes and traveling to experience something new are also good ways to indulge your curiosity and learn something new.

Set Time for Fun and Play

Improving your intellect doesn’t mean boring yourself to sleep with reading or taking classes, even if you’re not up to it. Even at work; you should take breaks to reset your brain. Set time to play board games with your family, friends and colleagues. You can play checkers, scrabble, chess, or even snakes and ladders, just for fun. On your own, you can also challenge yourself with a crossword puzzle or sudoku or a rubik’s cube.

Play is not just about having fun but about taking risks, experimenting, and testing boundaries.
American Academy of Pediatrics

There will be times when you don’t even want to think and just want to have some fun. So go out and enjoy a walk or even a picnic at a nearby park. Visit a museum with your friends or an amusement park. Indulge in a hobby or find one. Do something creative like taking photos, making videos, drawing or scribble quotes, work on a coloring book. It’s not wasting your time when you’re refreshing your mind.

Reflect on Your Learnings

A journal is a great way to do some reflection. At the end of the day, or whenever you feel like it; write down your experiences, how they made you feel, how you can apply it to your future experiences. It doesn’t have to be too detailed. The main goal is to be able to review your experiences and inspect it for helpful tidbits that will benefit you, or other people around you. A gratitude journal is one way to encourage a more positive mindset.

Without reflection, we go blindly on our way, creating more unintended consequences, and failing to achieve anything useful.
Margaret J. Wheatley

There are always some good learnings to be had even in unpleasant circumstances. By journaling, you will learn how to look at things from a different perspective. It means you can look at things objectively, without your personal biases stepping in. This will help you choose the thoughts that will benefit you the most. In the long term; it will also help you control your self and your reactions; so you can keep calm and respond to the situation in the best way possible.

Maintaining intellectual wellness means always being open to learning new things. There are many ways to constantly keep learning. So don’t hold back from asking a question and trying to find the answers. It will definitely help you improve your social wellness and help you discover a whole new world of possibilities to move forward in life.

Feature Image: Original Photo by Monstera from Pexels.

Jan

2022

How to Stop Playing the Blame Game

Reading Time: 4 minutes

Are you still playing the Blame Game? Many of us as children have played this game. We did it involuntarily because we didn’t want to be punished for our mistakes. As adults, we are taught to take responsibility for our mistakes so we outgrow this habit. However, we do resort to this tactic sometimes in certain situations. Some adults even do not outgrow this mindset and are still playing it in their daily lives. How do you stop playing the Blame Game?

What is The Blame Game?

The Blame Game starts when one person tries to shift the blame away from himself and towards other persons, things, or circumstances. For example, when 2 children are fighting over a toy and ends up breaking it; they tend to blame the other child when questioned by their parents. As adults, this is a dangerous game to play as it has major, even dangerous consequences.

The Blame Game is very contagious. When one person starts it; those who are blamed usually end up blaming others in an attempt to not suffer any punishment. They also blame others so that they have other people to share the punishment with. This seems very silly but this is quite a common occurrence even in the most professional workplace.

Why Do We Play The Game?

Shifting blame away from ourselves is a defense mechanism. It is a tool we use when we feel attacked and want to fight back. It is an easy game to play because we all know that people are capable of lying. So, in the heated moments, we usually end up trying to figure out who or what to blame; instead of trying to understand the core issue or the root cause of the whole situation.

Those who are always playing the Blame Game are usually people who feel like they have lost control over the situation. They do not want to be targeted as the only one responsible. It is an attempt to get justice for oneself but in a very selfish way. When you start blaming others, it shows a lack of confidence on your part and a lack of trust in others’ opinions of you as well.

Are You Playing the Game?

You may not be aware that you are playing the Blame Game. Here are some behaviors and habits that serve as symptoms that you are in this game.

Excluding Other People. Are you in a group that regularly excludes one or more members in discussions? You have the impression that this person is “weak” and need not be included. If you find yourself being excluded or you are excluding yourself voluntarily; then you are in this game.

Looking for A Target. When a situation seems to be going downhill; people tend to find a scapegoat to shift the blame on. Often, the target are usually individuals who are the least knowledgeable about the whole situation; or someone who is deemed gullible. They would not be able to identify the real culprits.

Denying Responsibility. When things don’t go as planned, people often shift blame away from themselves by denying that it was their responsibility in the first place. They might lie and find excuses by blaming other people or circumstances as the cause that prevented them from completing their tasks or duties.

Finding Fault Instead of Solutions. When the focus of a meeting becomes finding who’s at fault instead of finding a fix or a solution; then everyone is playing the Blame Game. Everyone becomes distrustful of each other and afraid that they might be targeted by everyone else.

How to Stop Playing the Blame Game

Playing the Blame Game as children is understandable. As adults, we are all capable of planning our actions ahead of time to get the most favorable results; so we shouldn’t end up playing this game. However, if you do find yourself playing this game; then you need to work on your self so you can stop playing the game.

Get to Know Yourself. If you don’t know yourself, then you won’t recognize your own faults. There are many ways to do this. One is to meditate so you can reflect on your self. Practice mindfulness so you can identify your behavior patterns, emotional triggers, etc. Learn more about your shadow side, your different personas. Write your bucket list so you can identify your goals and dreams and how you can work on them. Have a gratitude journal so you know what resources and blessings you have that you can use for your goals.

Invest in Yourself. If you do not want to be the target of blame and to become a more responsible adult; then you need to start investing more time and resources in becoming a better version of you. Read books, watch learning videos, take classes, listen to audio books. By investing in yourself; you can become more knowledgeable and skillful in your work or passion. Unleash your genius and surprise even yourself. Working on improving yourself will help you become a more responsible person and will enhance your self-confidence too.

Learn from Your Mistakes. The only way to not be scared of making mistakes is to have a learning mindset. Don’t be scared to take risks and try something new. Take each situation as an opportunity to learn instead of a setback. With a positive attitude; you will not be scared to take responsibility for your own mistakes. People who have this attitude usually attract other people who also have a responsible character and who can help you in your endeavors. These are the kind of people who will find a solution with you instead of finding blame for negative results.

Learn to Apologize Properly. Part of being a responsible individual is to know when and how to apologize properly. Being able to acknowledge your own faults and mistakes shows the strength of your character. It tells other people that you are confident and reliable enough to fix things when they don’t turn out well.

Express Your Gratitude. Don’t be shy in expressing your thanks to someone. Not only will this show your sincerity; it also means that you are confident enough to show your true self in front of others. An attitude of gratitude also enhances your trustworthiness in other people’s eyes. It may be awkward to do this at first, but practice makes perfect.

In order to stop blaming yourself and others; you need to start taking responsibility. If you can acknowledge your own faults, then you won’t be inclined to blame others. You can only do that when you know yourself better. By knowing yourself deeply; you’ll also be able to recognize what situations you can take responsibility for and which one’s you’d rather give to someone more capable. This means that you make less mistakes which also means less opportunities to play the blame game.

Watch the video and get the worksheet to get more insights.
Feature Image: Original Photo by Adi Goldstein on Unsplash.

Jan

2022

You Are A Product of Your Decisions

Reading Time: 2 minutes

Every moment of your life from the minute you wake up to the time you go to bed, you are making decisions. You have a choice whether to start a healthy morning routine or to stay in bed and procrastinate. You have a choice on what to consume on social media; either you read inspirational articles or absorb all the negativities and fake news that you can lay your eyes on. In short, it is all in your hands because you are a product of your decisions. You have a choice to be happy and be grateful or to be sad and be miserable. What is your choice?

I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.
– Stephen Covey

Stop the Blame Game

Many people love to play the blame game. If something has gone wrong, these people will automatically blame other people, the government, an event, the state of affairs or their circumstances. These people actually learned the habit of justifying their negative situation by blaming others.

If you know somebody who loves to play the blame game, stay away. They are one of those toxic people that you should avoid. In school, you have learned that everything around you is matter. And matter is energy. So, there is positive and negative energy everywhere around you. Remember that like attracts like. If you don’t want to attract negative things into your life, learn to stay away from negative individuals.

But what if you are one of these people? Listen to yourself. If something goes wrong in your life, do you blame others or do you take responsibility for your actions? You see, success only happens to those who admit their shortcomings. Instead of blaming others, analyze what went wrong and learn from the experience. That is the only way to regain control of your life.

You Are A Product of Your Decisions

The truth is your life is a product of the decisions that you made. You are where you are today because of you not because of anything or anyone else. Whatever situation you are in right now, remember that you have a choice. It is up to you to create the results that you want. Make the decision now. Your future begins today!

If you are born poor, it’s not your mistake but if you die poor, it’s your mistake.
– Bill Gates

Edited Version. First published in Pinoy Smart Living on 12.14.2018

Feature Photo by Sebastian Voortman from Pexels

Jan

2022

Ways to Regain Control of Your Life

Reading Time: 3 minutes

Are you in control of your life? Or is life controlling you? In order to live a meaningful life, you need to be in control of it. Being in control is synonymous with knowing yourself and having a clear idea on what you want in life. Who you are and what do you want to be? It is your life. Unless you are a minor, you are supposed to be the one in charge. You can never really be happy or you may even feel exhausted if your life is being dictated by your environment. So, to help you, here are some ways to regain control of your life.

What does it Mean to Not Be in Control?

Are you a product of your environment? You will know you are, if your thoughts, beliefs, feelings and actions if you allow external events or people surrounding you control your decisions. For example, you wake in the morning and the first thing that you do is check your social media account. You saw bad news from an article and you let your whole day become affected by it. What happens is that you become reactive to the situation and thus, become a victim of the environment.

Ways to Regain Control of Your Life

Don’t live your life like this. Instead, regain control of your life through the following ways:

1.Step Back

The first step to regaining control of your life is to step back. You are probably lost in living your life that you are living on auto-pilot. Stop for a moment to calm yourself, think and assess your situation. Give yourself time to think about your life in a broader context. For example, you are lost in the forest. You have been walking around in circles for hours and still, you can’t find your way out. The best thing to do is to stop first. Take a rest. Assess your location. Instead of looking at the trees, you need to picture the whole forest to give you a better perspective on how to proceed from where you are.

2. Know What You Really Want

The second step to regaining control of your life is self-assessment. You need to know exactly what you want. Who are you? What makes you happy and sad? What is it that you really want to accomplish in life? You can start by creating your bucket list. Your goals will serve as the roadmap for your life.

3.Rank What Is Important For You

Based on what you really want in life, it is now time to rank what matters most to you. Is it your health? Wealth? Your relationships? Whatever it is you need to be honest with yourself. That’s the only way to move forward. You may not like the answer but it may be something that you have to address first. There are several dimensions of wellness. Rank them according to what is important to you now. Your preference will definitely change later on once you have addressed the more pressing issue.

4. Learn To Say No

When you say no to things, opportunities or requests; what you are actually doing is empowering yourself to make the decision. It means you are very clear on what you want and that you are firm with your preference. In a way, it cultivates a healthy relationship with the people around you. Do not be scared to offend others because you are just being honest. Saying yes too often, even if you don’t want to can lead to resentment. It can also be emotionally draining. This in turn will only hurt the relationship in the long run. And besides, saying no will allow you to have the time to say yes to what’s more important for you.

5.Listen To Your Intuition

Trust your gut feeling. It is when you immediately know something. For some reason, you just know and understand. Sometimes, it does not even make sense. But somehow you just know. That’s your intuition trying to tell you something.

You only have one life. Make it count!

Click here to get a free copy of Regain Control of Your Life worksheet.

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Feature Photo by Bruno Henrique from Pexels

Jan

2022

Warning Signs That You Are Losing Control of Your Life

Reading Time: 3 minutes

Do you feel as if things are getting out of your control? Are you worried that your life is not going the way you wanted it to go? If these kind of thoughts are bothering you; then it’s time to take stock of your situation. You need to check if you are just being a worry wart, or if you are losing control of your life. See if any of the warning signs apply to your circumstances.

Lack of Energy or Motivation

If you are waking up in the morning feeling like you’d rather not get out of bed for days on end; then assess your self. Is it because you just lack sleep the nights before? Then, you should start developing good sleeping habits. You should also understand how you can best manage your energy. Are you always late for work because you dread the thought of going out and doing the same thing again? Feeling this way signals a lack of motivation on your part. Maybe you’re dreading work because you’re not enjoying it anymore. Try to see how you can make working more exciting for you. Remind yourself why you are working in the first place. Or, maybe your goals have changed and your current job doesn’t support that. Your job is a major life support system. If you are losing control of your life; then this area is one of the first to be affected.

Constant Forgetfulness

People who are in control of their lives are usually those who are mindful of the things that they need to do, even if they don’t put it on their schedules. These include fully charging your celfone and other devices.; turning appliances on/off when you go out and arrive home; watering your plants, even paying bills before the due date. If you find yourself forgetting things that should be regular habits; then this maybe a warning sign that you are losing control of your life. The small things are often ignored because they don’t seem significant. However, they affect life in a major way when not attended to. A dying celfone battery might cause you to miss out on an important call that could change your life for the better. If you keep forgetting the small things; you might miss out on the big things too.

Feeling Disconnected

You know it’s a friend’s birthday but you don’t greet them even thru a message. You think they have more important friends they’d rather hear from and your greeting isn’t such a big deal. Do you keep turning down social invites (even online ones)? Is it because you feel like you’ll just be a drag to your friends or you won’t contribute anything interesting to the conversation? Then you are not only missing out on a major part of your life. You are also losing your connection with important people. You might want to have more “me time” to sort things out if you are going through a challenging period in your life. It’s okay to not be okay sometimes. But if you continue feeling disconnected with the people in your life; it could be a symptom of a bigger problem that you need to focus on to prevent worse consequences.

Negative Thoughts and Expectations

When you are constantly thinking negative thoughts, always anxious, always complaining, and always preparing for the worst in every situation; then there is definitely something wrong. Losing control of your thoughts and emotions are clear warning signs that you are losing control of your life. Being afraid to do something because things might go wrong is not a healthy mindset to be in. Always having negative thoughts and expectations could be a sign that you need the help of other people so you can wade through your doubts and fears. If you can’t love yourself enough to expect good things to happen to you; then good things won’t happen to you. You can’t expect other people to treat you better than you treat yourself. Making a sincere self-assessment will help you regain control of each area of your life.

If you want your life to change; then you need to replace what you usually do with what you haven’t done before. Taking control of your life means making small steps daily to help you reclaim control of each area of your life. Remember though that you can’t control everything in your life. You can only control your self and your own reactions. Your environment may not be under your control as well. It is not your responsibility to satisfy people’s expectations just as not everyone will agree with your thoughts and opinions. The best thing you can do is to focus on your own metamorphosis and work diligently on your own fresh start to a better life.

Watch the video and get the worksheet to guide you in your assessment.
Feature Image: Original Photo by Vesky on Unsplash.

Dec

2021

Questions to Ask Yourself When You Are in A Crossroad

Reading Time: 4 minutes

Do you have an unsettling feeling that something has to change? Are you suspecting that you are experiencing a mid-life crisis, facing a fork in the road, or stuck in an intersection in your life’s journey? All these phrases are what we use to describe a crossroad in our life. We will all be experiencing a crossroad at different stages in our life.

The 7 Year Itch

Have you ever heard the term, “the 7-year itch”? It is a phrase usually used to refer to the time when relationships are most likely to get into trouble. There seems to be a pattern that things tend to change drastically every 7 years. For example, couples who dated for several years usually end breaking up on the 7th year; married couples end up divorcing on the 7th year, and so on.

This pattern not only applies to relationships but also to larger groups of people such as in business, as well as in our individual journey through life. If you review your life, you will see that things tend to change every 7 years as well. At 7 years old, you go to school with other kids, then at 14 is when puberty hits you. At 21, you graduate from college and enter the work force; then at 28 is when people mostly start thinking about marriage.

In short, life tends to change drastically in some way every 7 years. Thus, you feel an itch to change something in your life every 7 years too. If you don’t change something, then you get stuck in that crossroad and you’ll just prolong your suffering by not relieving that itch to transform your life.

Questions to Ask Yourself

If you are in a crossroad in your life right now; here are some questions to ask yourself so you can start making some changes.

What aspect in your life do you want to improve on? Maybe there is an area of your life that you have neglected and that you need to focus on. It might be your health or some of your relationships. You might have a hobby that you want to take up again and hone your skills on. Or you might want to ask for a promotion or even make a career change.

What is it that you really hope to achieve? Most of us are too shy to admit it but we all hope to leave something behind for our family, or even the whole world, to enjoy and remember us by. No matter how small or big; everyone wants to leave a legacy that can benefit future generations. You might share the same vision with others and you can work together to build such a legacy.

What are the pros and cons of your decision? Decisions always have its pros and cons. You can consult your friends and family as well as experts for help. Your own life experience will also help you make an informed decision. Take the time to think and determine how much of a risk you are willing to take to change your life for the better.

What are you afraid of? Sometimes the scariest decisions end up the most rewarding. When we face our fears, we open ourselves up to more possibilities. Being in a crossroad gives you the chance to overcome your fears and come out a better person. Get the support of your family and friends, or even professionals, to help you succeed.

What is your instinct telling you? Have you ever experienced having a strong feeling in your gut that’s telling you to do or not do something? If you followed it, you usually end up being right. However, most people ignore their gut feeling, or instinct, or intuition. In fact, it is a useful tool to guide you in making life-changing decisions. A crossroad is an opportunity to start using it.

Will you be harming/offending other people with your decision? We always consider the effects of our decisions on other people. However, you have to keep in mind that you can only control your own actions. You can tell others about your decision so they don’t get surprised later on, but you cannot control their own reactions. There is no need to get into an argument or cut off relationships; you can just agree to disagree on this one point.

Are you worried about what other people will think? You cannot please everyone all the time, so you just have to accept that there will always be negative feedback from some quarters. Don’t take things too personally. Just keep in mind that those who need to understand your decisions will understand and those who can’t understand don’t need to. Focus on your goal and don’t get distracted by gossip or rumors.

How will the change affect your life? You are trying to change your life so focus on the long-term change that this will bring about. Ideally, the effect should be positive and will also affect those around you positively. Of course, you can’t please everyone but if you and the majority of your tribe can enjoy the effects of the changes you are making in your own life; then that should be reason enough to make a change.

Time for Transformation

Asking yourself these questions involves a lot of self-reflection. Pick the one question that resonates with you the most and try to figure out your answer to that. Although you do need to take into account how the change you want to do will affect everyone around you; remember that your own growth is important so you can help others as well. Each of us has our own journey in life so we cannot continue living our life according to the standards of others. Expect that in the process of your metamorphosis; some things will fall away and others will come to replace it. You might need to let go of a lot of things including letting go of friendships and old beliefs.

A crossroad in life is an opportunity to reinvent yourself. If you are feeling the need to scratch that 7-year itch; do so but be gentle with yourself. Change is needed for growth. However, you don’t need to abandon all that you have worked for in the past. Sometimes, a small change will do the trick. For others, a bigger change maybe needed. It all depends on what you are feeling inclined to do. The important thing is that you listen to your intuition, you believe in yourself, and you take action to change something so you are not stuck in the same old pattern.

Watch the video and get the worksheet to get more insights.
Feature Image: Original Photo by Caleb Jones on Unsplash.

Dec

2021

Signs It Is Time to Let Go of A Relationship

Reading Time: 4 minutes

Relationships are always difficult to let go of. Sometimes we feel deep regret for leaving behind a person because of all the memories we had with them. It also these memories that holds us back from letting go.

People change and so do their goals; so it is natural that some people drift apart. Although it feels difficult to acknowledge this situation; it is necessary for both of you to accept the situation and to part ways as pleasantly as you can. If you are in the middle of deciding whether you need to let go of a relationship or not; here are some signs to help you choose your way.

You’ve Lost Yourself

A good relationship should be where you can be yourself and act comfortably with the other person. You don’t feel the need to hold yourself back, to pretend or to hide things from them. You enjoy communicating your honest thoughts and feelings with them. If this is not the case, then you might need to reconnect with yourself first. See if this relationship is helping you grow personally too. You might have relegated yourself to supporting your partner’s goals and forgetting your own dreams. This can be a sign that it’s time to let go of a relationship and spend more time getting to know yourself better instead.

You Want Different Things

When you notice that you are not on the same page in your goals and outlook in life; then maybe it’s time to consider letting go of the relationship. People continually grow in different ways. Couples may end up focusing on different goals. Your individual history and life experience influences how you look at the future. If you and your partner’s or friend’s goals are clearly diverging from each other; then it is a sign that it’s time to let go. The separation need not be unpleasant if you can talk about it as honestly as you can. Think of it as both of you taking a different route but you may have a chance to walk the same path again in the future.

You Feel Lonely Even When Together

A healthy relationship is one where both people are happy to share their experiences with each other. If you feel lonely even when you are on a date; then it is a clear sign that there’s something wrong in your relationship. You might both be feeling the same loneliness even when you’re together. Both of you may be unwilling to let go of the familiarity that you feel from each other. You may not be understanding each other’s love language. Some of us might even mistake this feeling as a normal phase and call it contentment, or settling in to the ordinariness of daily life. But if you are not emotionally or even physically connecting anymore; it is time to take stock of why you are staying in the relationship.

You Are Finding Excuses for Bad Behavior

It might be you who is finding excuses to justify your negative behavior; or you are finding justifications for your partner’s bad behavior. If this is the case; then you will end up fighting with each other and alienating yourself from the people around you. You are blinded by the goal of keeping your relationship that you are not acknowledging the things that are not working. Although the thought of “you and me against the world” sounds romantic; it is not a pleasant situation to be in. Finding excuses to explain away bad behavior is like finding reasons to stay in the relationship when it’s clear that you’re not feeling good about being in one anymore.

You Feel Drained of Your Energy

Being in a relationship should be a pleasant experience for both parties, most of the time. There are ups and downs, but you should both be able to boost each other’s energy especially in challenging times. If maintaining the relationship is draining your energy instead; then it’s time to see if the relationship has become one-sided. Are you the only one giving your time, most of the time? Are you constantly worrying about what you can do to ensure that your partner will not leave you? Do you experience sleepless nights overthinking if your partner is cheating or not? If this is how you are feeling day in, day out; then it can be a sign that it is time to let go of this relationship.

People will have different ways to process letting go. Although it is a difficult process; we must accept that not all people who walk into our lives are here to stay. Some of them accompany us for a time to teach us a lesson. This may be by helping us discover our potential or by hurting us so we discover our own weakness and find our strength in the process. Once we accept that “letting go” is a constant challenge that we need to go through in life; it becomes less difficult to process this experience.

Being in a relationship should feel like you are at home, with the person who is most important to you. If this is not how it feels; then it is a sign that it’s time to evaluate. Remember that only by letting go, can we make space in our lives for the things we want. If we keep holding on to things that don’t serve us anymore; then we will not be able to move forward.

Watch the video and get the worksheet to get more insights.
Feature Image: Original Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash.