children

Nov

2022

Children and Their Mental Health

Reading Time: 3 minutes

Just like adults, your children and their mental health are equally important. A healthy mental health during childhood is an important contributing factor to their overall wellness when they grow up.

Effect of the Pandemic on Children

The COVID-19 pandemic forced us to adapt to a whole new world. If many adults are having a hard time coping with the stress that the new normal brought upon us, what more the children? They were forced off school when the pandemic hit. After that, they got used to going to school online. And now that the world is opening up again, they found themselves having to deal with classmates. And there is still the danger of having to go through a new set of restrictions again in the future.

What about those children who got infected with COVID-19? They themselves had to experience the feeling of isolation. And how about those who lost a loved one during the pandemic? And this is just about the pandemic.

Traumatic Experiences of Children

The truth of the matter is that some events that are normal for an adult such as taking care of a person who is sick can be traumatic for a child. Remember, they are just children and not yet capable of handling adult responsibilities. According to the US Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) there are some events that can be traumatic for children. These experiences include:

Separation of Parents
Having a Long-Term Physical Illness
Death of a Loved One
Parent who has problems like Drug or Alcohol Addiction
Physical or Sexual Abuse
Bullying
Taking on Adult Responsibilities
Birth of A New Sibling
Moving Homes or School

Since children are really vulnerable, these traumatic events can lead to severe emotional turmoil which can cause mental health problems in children.

Signs of Mental Stress on Children

Here are signs of mental stress on children:

Anger Outbursts
Anxiety
Difficulty Concentrating
Fear
Irritability
Nightmares
Sadness
Sleep Disruption

What Can Parents Do?

If you see the signs being manifested in your children, there are things that you can do to intervene so that it will not become a full blown mental health issue when they grow up.

1. Listen

By listening to your child, you are showing them that they are important to you. It also will give them assurance that you are there for them. This in turn will build their confidence knowing that you got their back.

2. Be Involve

As a parent, your task is not just to listen. You also need to be involved. Show interest in their life. What do they love doing? Play with them. Do activities that the child enjoys. Attend school activities. Connect with them and encourage them.

3. Take Them Seriously

Many parents will listen but only a few will take them seriously. Their fears, apprehensions and difficulties are real. it may sound trivial compared to adult problems but remember they are just children. The challenges are maybe too big for them to handle. Taking them seriously means you value them.

4. Work With Others

It is important to work with other adults around them such as their teachers, caregivers and other adult members of the family. The people around your children are aware and therefore, understand them too. It is also recommended to talk with other parents or a support group who has a better understanding of how to handle such situations.

5. Create Positive Routines

Children are creatures of habits. When you create positive routines for them to follow, chances are they are going to be doing this for life. So, create positive routines. You are not only prepping them up for success; but you are also teaching them to refocus their attention and in the process overcome the negative experience.

In a nutshell, children are vulnerable. A minor event can cause severe trauma for them. And this might affect their emotional wellness until their adult lives. So as parents, it is important to validate their feelings but at the same time make them feel that you are there for them. Your love, support and understanding can do wonders to their emotional health.

Image by Bob Dmyt from Pixabay

Apr

2021

The Marshmallow Test: Now or Delayed Gratification?

Reading Time: 6 minutes

The Marshmallow Test gave children the choice to eat now or choose delayed gratification for another marshmallow. The experiment studied how children exercise their self-control. Stanford professor Walter Mischel conducted this is experiment in the 1960s. This test was part of a series of psychological studies which followed the children’s performance until they had become adults. The results showed the power of choice and the benefits of choosing to delay gratification for better rewards.

The Marshmallow Experiment

The study was first conducted with children ages of 4 to 5. The researchers gave each child a marshmallow. The children had the choice to eat one marshmallow now or later. If they can wait without eating the first marshmallow, they will be given another marshmallow.

Some of the children ate their marshmallows right away as soon as the researcher left. Others struggled with themselves and finally succumbed to the temptation of the treat. Some children waited patiently choosing delayed gratification for a better reward of two marshmallows.

Other items used in the tests were stickers with the same conditions for each of the group of children.

As adult, those who waited for a second marshmallow generally performed well in most areas of their lives. These children scored higher grades in school and responded better to stressful situations. They also had low inclination for substance abuse and other addictive behavior and had better overall health. Their parents also reported these children as having good social skills.

Other Studies

The Marshmallow Test was just one of the tests during the experiment. In another test, a researcher gave a group of children a box of crayons. The researchers promised to give them a bigger box when they returned later but they didn’t return. One group got the promised bigger box of crayons.

The impact of this experiment is tremendous to the child’s psyche and is useful for parents. In this experiment, the first group who had unreliable experiences learned not to trust the researcher’s promise. The second group learned to view waiting as a positive experience. They also trained their minds to wait longer and be more patient. In short, the second group started learning self-control and viewed delayed gratification as a rewarding experience.

This test also showed that a child’s capacity for self-control and choosing to delay gratification was not an inherent trait. Their experiences with other adults and their environment influenced how they view this process.

The series of experiments lasted over 40 years until the children became adults. The performance of the adults showed that being able to delay gratification was a critical factor for success in life.

Mischel and his team have also conducted the test on different parts of the world and the results were universal. More recent studies included include even more variables such as parent’s education and economic status. These studies show that a child’s environment greatly affect their development of self-control. The presence and behavior of other adults around them also affected their mindset on delayed gratification.

Why Delay Gratification?

The Marshmallow Test shows us that even children are capable of self-control. They also show that our ability to make choices are strongly impacted by our environment and the people around us. There are many benefits of choosing to delay gratification for a better, future reward. However, children need to develop trust in the process. These factors are very important to help them develop their patience for delayed gratification.

Making & Keeping Promises

This is especially important for parents to learn that they are their children’s primary role models and simple behavior such as how they keep or break promises and how they react to the same situations can greatly impact their child’s perception of how to behave towards others and how to act in the same situations. Thus, it is important for parents to show their children how to deal better with negative situations early on in life.

Valuing Long-Term Results

This study shows that our capacity for self-control is only limited by how much we value the reward. The higher we see the value of the reward; the more inclined we are to delay immediate gratification. The lower the perceived value of the reward, the less work we put into it. Note that the perceived value of the rewards is also influenced by the person/s who promises to fulfill the reward.

Increasing Self Value

With accumulation of more positive experiences from constantly exercising self-control in stressful or decisive situations; we also learn to perceive ourselves as more capable of doing things to achieve our goals. We increase our perception of personal value and we gain more confidence in making even bigger decisions and handling larger responsibilities. In the process, we learn to value self-discipline as a means to achieve the results we want.

Learn How to Delay Gratification

Most of us adults pride ourselves in our capacity for being able to exercise our self-control and decision-making. But how in-control are we really? How often do we give in to impulse-buying because an item was on sale? How many days a week do we declare as our “cheat day” and we throw away our healthy eating plan outside the window because the pizza or steak was just too tempting or because a friend was treating us to dinner?

Most of us are guilty of just totally losing ourselves in stressful or tempting situations. The good news is, there are ways in which we can practice and enhance our capacity for self-control. We can improve our ability for choosing to delay immediate gratification or to choose whichever next action is most favorable for the end result we want. Just like exercise, we need to train our brain muscles for better self-control.

Start Small

The first step is always a baby step so when introducing a new habit into your lifestyle, start with small goals. If you want to be more productive during the morning, maybe wake up 30 minutes earlier the first week, then try getting up an hour earlier the next week. If you fail at the 30-minute mark, then start again and try for 15 minutes this time. But be sure to do the prep work too, so you better sleep earlier as well. This will also help you in transforming your morning habits.

Break It Down

If you have several goals, then break them down into small actionable steps. For example, if you want to be more productive in the morning, then you need to sleep early and wake up early in order to start work early. List down what you need to do to sleep early such as no watching TV after dinner, making the bedroom more conducive to sleep by getting fluffier pillows and dimming the lights, etc. Do your homework for each requirement and prepare.

Focus on The One

Focus on one thing at a time. Once you have your goals and tasks broken down, pick a task from each goal that you will incorporate into your routine daily. For example, set a time in the evening when you should be getting ready to sleep. If you want to be in bed by 10PM, then start preparing for sleep by 9PM; brush your teeth, wash your face and put on your moisturizer, change into your pajamas, play relaxing music while you do all these, dim the bedroom lights, etc. You can pick any of these to integrate into your routine. Keep adding another task until your prepping for sleep routine is complete.

Be Consistent

When incorporating a new habit, consistency is key to ensure that you adapt the habit seamlessly. So focus on one thing you need to do to achieve your goal each day for a week, then focus on it for another week and so on. Studies show that it takes at least 21 days to learn a new habit so be consistent for at least 3 weeks and by that time, the habit should be so much a part of your routine that you don’t even notice you’re doing it. By then it’s time to introduce the next item on your list.

Change Up & Set a Deadline

Of course, if one method doesn’t work for you, then feel free to change up your strategy until you arrive at one that works for you. It is important that you set a reasonable deadline. Measure your small steps towards your major goal so you can measure your progress which is also reassurance that your efforts are paying off.

Don’t be too hard on yourself though and celebrate each milestone, but don’t go overboard. Stay within your goals. Stay on budget if you have a budget goal! When you’re feeling down, review your goals and remind yourself why you are doing the things you do. Remember what Spiderman’s uncle said to him: “with great power comes great responsibility.”

You may not be out to save the world, but you can save yourself and other people from a lot of heartaches and stress by learning self-discipline and enhancing your capacity to choose to delay immediate gratification for even greater rewards.

The most successful people in the world have mastered the art of delayed gratification. Your ability to practice delayed gratification is a sign of a a high emotional quotient. Your EQ is a determining factor towards your journey to success.

Updated. First published on Pinoy Smart Living on 2018.07.04.
Feature Image: Original Image by studionone from Pixabay.

Nov

2020

5 More Classic Board Games

Reading Time: 3 minutes

Here are 5 more classic board games that you can play with your family and friends to combat stress or boredom and have some fun instead.

1. Clue / Cluedo

2-6 players

This classic board game is one of the best murder mystery games out there. It’s been around since 1943 and is much loved by armchair detectives.

The aim of the game is to figure out who killed the murder victim, where the murder was done and what weapon was used. Players try to hunt down clues to uncover the truth. It’s a race against time as you try to gather the evidence before the other players get to it. Then, like an investigator, you have to piece together the clues and connect the dots together to figure out the details of the murder mystery. The player who gets the most details correct, wins!

2. Connect 4

2 players

If you want tons of fun in a short period of time then this game is for you. This game is simple but requires fast thinking of strategies.

The aim of the game is to line up 4 chips of the same color in a row. Both players alternate in dropping their chips on the grid to stop the other player from forming their line while trying to construct their own. You can go horizontal, diagonal or vertical. Your luck depends on where your chips fall and how fast you can counter your opponent’s move.

3. Monopoly

Multiple players

Monopoly is one of the world’s favorite, classic board games. There are even versions based on movie themes as well as for pet lovers. Electronic versions are also available.

This game is all about buying property and building houses or hotels that you can lease out. Your luck depends on the roll of a dice and the card you pick. Some players have experienced a turn of bad luck where they keep landing on their another player’s hotel and getting sent to jail. Luckily, it’s all in the board game, so you can just add the experience to your collection of funny stories. Those who are familiar with the game have come up with some strategies too.

4. Scrabble

Multiple players

If you want a classic board game that’s perfect for a lazy afternoon, then try out Scrabble. This game has been around for over 80 years. Although it’s meditative and relaxing; it does get your brain a workout.

Players get to select some random letters which they must form into words on the board. Certain combinations and specific tiles get you more points but you can only add them to words that already exist on the board. You never know what combination of letters you end up with, so it’s exciting and challenging for each round of the game. Of course, the better your vocabulary, the easier for you to come up with words.

5. Twister

Multiple players

The biggest board game on this list, Twister encourages you to test your balancing and strategic skills.

A spinner tells you where you should place your hands and feet on the board. You need to balance, twist and turn to get your hands and feet on the right spots on the board without falling down. Adults and children can enjoy this game. You not only enjoy the game, you burn some calories too!

There are many ways to have more fun in your life and playing board games is one of them. We’ve listed another of these 5 classic board games that you can enjoy with family and friends.

Feature Image: Original Photo by Kathy Marsh on Unsplash.

Sep

2020

When Parental Achievement Goals Become Too Much

Reading Time: 3 minutes

It is only natural for parents to aspire for their children’s success. However, when taken to the extremes, it becomes destructive. Because of the parents’ desire, children are being pressured to excel from a very young age. When parental achievement goals become too much for the child to handle, it leads to more harm than good. This has become the biggest cause of stress among the youth today.

Parental Pride

Parental pride is human nature. Parents feel happy and proud every time their children will achieve some form of accomplishment. Just take a look at your social media accounts. How many posts have you seen of proud parents congratulating their children on their achievements? It can be as simple as a child’s first word or first art work to an adult child’s acceptance to a prominent university.

Some parents are taking it to the next level by setting up social media accounts for their newborns. Parents are now raising their children in the social media limelight. But is this parental behavior really good for the children? Studies about ‘sharenting’, a term that means the overuse of social media by parents sharing contents about their children, indicate that such behavior is doing more harm than good to the children. Aside from parents’ violating their child’s privacy, it is also putting unnecessary pressure on the child.

Parental Achievement Goals

Parents only wants the best for their children but sometimes; unintentionally, their parental achievement goals are becoming harmful. Every now and then, it is best for parents to reflect if their achievement goals are really still for the welfare of the child.

Sky Castle: Parental Achievement Goals to the Extreme

Sky Castle, a Korean drama is an excellent drama that deals with this sensitive topic on parenting. It is a story about four wealthy families who lived in a posh and exclusive village called the Sky Castle. The fathers in the four families are all equally successful. Because of the success attained by the head of each household in Sky Castle, they expect their children to follow the footsteps of their fathers. Nothing but only the best is acceptable.

To ensure that the children excel academically and get accepted in one of the top universities in Korea; the parents resorted to extraordinary lengths such as planning the children’s schedules up to the minute details and building a soundproof room for studying. The desire for their children to excel in Sky Castle has become a competitive sports that it brought immense pressure on the children. It was heartbreaking to watch the children’s lives being destroyed one by one as a result of the parents’ quest for achievement.

Although a work of fiction, Sky Castle had succeeded in hitting a nerve. It is so close to reality. Many parents nowadays put emphasis on the children’s achievements. In fact, several surveys done indicated that a great majority of parents; regardless of race, culture and social class, place their children’s achievements or performances as their top concern. Parents praised their children when they excel but blame and punish them harshly if they do not.

This satirical drama is a highly recommended show for all parents out there. As parents, you will learn a lot about the importance of parenting and hardships in raising children. At the same time, it will also give you a deeper understanding on looking at things from the point of view of your children.

Duty of Parents

It is the responsibility of the parents to make sure that their children grow up to be healthy, happy and responsible human beings. It is also the duty of the parents to program their children for success. However, success is relative. The parent’s definition of success may be different from that of the children. Instead of focusing solely on the child’s achievements, it is best that parents focus on helping children achieve their dreams by providing the child with a loving and supportive environment. Remember that not all children are the same. Children have different interests, gifts and talents. It is the role of the parents to find out what these are and unleash the genius within each child . Only be doing so will they grow up to be exceptional individuals.

Updated version. First published in Pinoy Smart Living in 23.08.2019.

Feature Image Credit JTBC of Korea.

Sep

2020

How to Help Your Children Achieve Their Dreams

Reading Time: 4 minutes

What’s your dream? if you ask young children, more often than not, they will tell you exactly what they want in life. Unfortunately, as people grow older, our dreams and goals become less clear. We get caught up trying to make a living. We are also heavily influenced by society that we ended up losing ourselves in the process. A lot of people nowadays don’t even know what they want. If adults are lost, how do you expect your children, especially the teenagers, to know what they want? Thus as parents, it is important to know how to help your children achieve their dreams.

Big Dreams

While young, have you noticed that children have big dreams? Their dreams have no limitations and restrictions. For them, anything is possible, But as they grow older, their dreams tend to become more conservative and realistic. Gone were the the grand dreams. Some even forget their dreams totally. So, what happened? Where did all the big dreams go?

Role of Parents

As parents, you have great control and influence of your children’s dreams, more than you think you have. What they will believe to be attainable or not are all dependent on what you believe as parents to be possible and impossible. Parents are the children’s inspiration and motivation in life. We are their role models. If you think that your child’s dreams are unrealistic, your child will grow up believing that his/her dreams are simply unattainable. Your negative thinking will greatly influence your child’s thinking. Your mindset affects the direction of both your life and your child’s life.

Supporters

Your role as parents is to support them with their dreams. Believe in them. Everyone has a purpose in life. Everyone is a genius. Your role is to find your child’s genius.

When is your child happy?
What’s his/her talents?
What is he good at?
What activities does he/she like the most?

Observe your children’s interests. Pay attention to the skills that they are good at. Then do your homework. Research about their dreams. Maybe you can afford to enroll them in specialize classes about their interests. You can also help document their dreams. For example, it is so common for teachers in kindergarten to ask children to draw what they want to be when they grow up. Why not keep that paper and file it so that you can show it to your child when he/she grows up? There are so many little things that you can do that can help your child achieve their dreams.

Stewards

Many parents keep on forgetting that it is not about them. So, they ended up forcing their children to fulfill their unfulfilled dreams. When in fact, parents do not own their children. Parents are just stewards. Parents are entrusted with the responsibility of looking after their children until they are ready to stand on their own. Thus, parents are managers not owners. Children should have the right to choose their own future.

When you become a parent, it’s not all about you anymore.
– Carre Otis

Role Models

Since very young, children look for someone to imitate. Most of the time, the parents are the closest people that they grow up with. Subconsciously, children grow up imitating their parents. Thus, it is not enough for parents to give guidelines verbally. How a parent acts and behaves are more important than the verbal teachings. A positive role model is a powerful way to influence children in achieving their goals.

Parents must lead by example. Don’t use the cliche; do as I say and not as I do. We are our children’s first and most important role models.
– Lee Haney

No More Dream

What if the children grew up to be unmotivated, or worse, have no more dream despite the parent’s support? This can cause a lot of stress for parents. Of course, parents want their children to have big goals and dreams. Unfortunately, because of the dictates of society or several other factors such as hanging out with the wrong sets of friends; a child can grow up with no dream. If this happens, know that It’s okay. You don’t have to force it right away. it will come in time. But it doesn’t mean that you cannot do anything about it.

New Perspective

Have you heard of the gap year? Others call it the sabbatical year. It is basically a year or semester break before or after college. The purpose is for the student to learn a different perspective in life. The student can go traveling, learn something new, volunteer, get a job or do anything that is different from his/her regular routine.

If a gap year is not feasible, you can opt to make them attend a seminar, watch an inspiring video, read a book or find them a mentor. The key is to help them get a new perspective in life, a different way of looking at things. It is difficult to know what you want if you are subjected to the same routine and environment over and over again.

In a nutshell, the only way to help your children to achieve their dreams is to let them create and allow them to follow their own dreams. Respect their individuality. Refrain from enforcing your own dreams and don’t let them fall prey to society’s expectations. Trust that they can do it. Your belief in them can take them places.

Feature Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay Images

Apr

2020

How to Help Kids Manage Lockdown Stress

Reading Time: 3 minutes

Most government around the world resorted to lockdown to protect its citizens from getting infected with the virus. Although such measures protected your physical health, it gave rise to a different kind of health issue; that is mental health. Mental health is crucial to our overall well-being. It affects our thoughts, emotions and behavior. A study done at the University of Adelaide showed evidence that the one-month confinement measures did affect the people’s mental health. But it is not just the adults who are affected, new data from Hubei shows that children also showed depression and anxiety symptoms. The challenge now for parents is how to help kids manage lockdown stress.

Children are creatures of habits. They take comfort in what is familiar. Children are used to going to school everyday. Now, they are forced to stay at home. The routine had stopped. And this causes confusion. Then, they are restricted to stay inside the house together with parents who are also trying to cope with their own stress, fears and anxiety. So, children take on cues from their parents on how to react to the situation. They know if parents are worried. At the same time, they are trying to understand how the world has changed.

Parents need to take this matter seriously and handle it with care because according to the World Health Organization, most mental health issues of adults begin in childhood. Even if we all go back to normal after the world discovered the vaccine, psychological damages won’t easily go away. This can lead to anger issues, depression, addiction and even suicide if left unchecked.

As parents, here are things that you can do to help your children manage lockdown stress:

1. Keep a Routine

Rather than doing things different everyday, it is better to keep a routine. On school days, there are study time, meal time, play time, TV time and nap time. Continue doing these activities at the same time that they are used to. The study time can further be divided into Math time, Reading time, Art time, etc. You can make use of technology to continue their learning. If content material is not available from their school, there are still tons of available information online.

2. Teach Them the Importance of Hygiene Using Their Own Language

Instead of forcing them to follow you or scaring them that they are going to die if they get the virus; teach them the importance of basic hygiene in a language that they do understand. For example, you can make them watch the Sesame Street Coronavirus special and let Elmo teach them about proper hand washing and use of face mask.

3. Encourage Them To Talk with Friends

Encourage your children especially your teenagers to do group teleconferencing online to stay in touch with their friends . At this point in time, the support and encouragement of friends will do wonders to their mental health. Just make sure that they are really talking with their friends and not some random strangers that they met online.

4. Talk and Play with Your Children

For most children, love is synonymous with time. Now is the perfect time for you to make up for lost time with your children. More than ever, they need your love, support, kindness and strength to help them go trough these tough times. Spend time with them. Play with them. Do activities together like art works, cooking, and baking. You can play board games or video games as family. You can even binge-watch movies with your kids.

Take advantage of the time to get to know and establish an open communication with your teenagers. Establish a connection by knowing about their interests, hobbies, their friends and their dreams. Listen to their music, stories, thoughts and concerns. Do things together. Try not to judge and refrain from controlling them.

5. Create Family Goals

Family goal setting will shift the focus of the whole family from the problems of today to the hope of a better tomorrow. Family goals will make the family closer to one another. It gives you something to look forward to in the future. It is the perfect venue for both parents and children to voice out their opinions, dreams and preferences. Open communication is established. Accountability, responsibility, commitment and group support are also encouraged.

Feature Image by Lisa runnels from Pixabay Images