character

May

2021

Different Ways to Discover Your Self

Reading Time: 4 minutes

Each one of you are finding different ways to discover your self every day even if you don’t know it. Most of us think we already know ourselves inside out. We think we are what we do and we act that way. We identify with our jobs, our family’s expectations, our friends’ descriptions of us. Deep inside, we know these aspects of our selves are just a part of us. A persona we show to the world.

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
— Oliver Wendell Holmes

There is a feeling lurking within us that we are something more than what others see; what we let others see. There are things stirring in our shadow self that we want to get out into the world. A part of ourselves that we still can’t describe; potential that we both fear and admire. It may help us unleash our hidden genius or ruin our life’s work. Unless we can identify it; we won’t be able to harness this potential. If we can’t know this part of our self; we will always feel that we are not enough. Instead of being frustrated; why not actively go on a journey to discover your self?

The Process of Self-Discovery

Self-discovery is a continuous process, not a specific or final answer. The process of self-discovery is not found when you reach a destination. You come to discover more of your self through your life journey. Discovering your self is not just a one-time process. It involves discovering something new about ourselves as well as rediscovering old, forgotten parts of ourselves. There may even be instances when you uncover a part of yourself that you have kept hidden because you feel you are ready for it. Along the way, we may change in many ways. It is through this journey that we find purpose and meaning in our lives.

Be Aware of Your Current Self

Awareness is the first step to getting actively involved in your self-discovery. Get a clearer and deeper understanding of your own personal characteristics, your emotions, needs, values, strengths and weaknesses. Spend time to reflect on the parts of your personality that you already know.

Find out what gives you joy; what are your hopes and dreams; the things that you are passionate about; what things are holding you back; what negative experiences have you carried with you since childhood? These questions will leave you feeling vulnerable but they are an important step to getting to know yourself better. You can do this through journaling, talking to family and friends, or to a professional. The important thing to remember is to be honest with your self.

Experiment with A Different Self

Once you have a map of your current self; you pretty much have an idea of what your personality is. You are also able to identify some of the things you do, or want to do, that would clash with your current personality. Examining your self does not stop at knowing where things are. You also need to test how far things can go.

Your self, or your personality, is a fluid entity. Contrary to popular belief, you are not stuck with your personality. Getting stuck and getting out of it and flowing into a new one is all up to you. So make an experiment of the process. Do something that you don’t usually do and see how far you can go with it. For example, you may be a people pleaser, a “Yes man”. So try experimenting what would happen if you just said “No” to other people. Most of the time, you will find that your worries and fears don’t come true. It is only your belief that’s holding you back from accepting this part of your self, and from changing your situation.

Trust in Your Own Path to Self-Discovery

There is no one way to the journey of self-discovery. Each person has their own path and their own time for the journey. The important thing is to trust your own path. Don’t compare your self to others. Also, be kind to others and help as much as you can. Remember that everyone is on their own journey and some will have a harder time than others. Having a positive mindset and an attitude of gratitude helps a lot.

Discovering, rediscovering and uncovering more of yourself also helps to develop your trust in your self. Most people are going about their daily lives fulfilling their duties according to what others expect of them. Being actively involved in the process to discover your self means that you need to learn to trust your self rather than the world around you. It means being able to focus on what you truly want and being grateful for what you have even if the world tells you that you’re doing things wrong.

Discovering your self also means that you learn to accept difficult things about you as well as others around you. For example, you learn to trust your feelings instead of just your thoughts. You learn to love yourself more. You learn to be okay even if some things don’t go the way you wanted them to. More importantly, you learn to be comfortable with all parts of who you are; and if people don’t like it, you don’t feel bad when they walk away.

The journey to self-discovery may involve losing friends and even loved ones along the way. Know that it is not your fault. It is just that their part in your journey is over and they need to go on their own paths. There are many things that you will need to accept and lose during your journey. As you learn and develop your self; you will find that it will all be worth it.

Feature Image: Original Photo by Jackson David on Unsplash.

Nov

2020

Believe in Yourself

Reading Time: 2 minutes

You are special. You have gifts and talents that are uniquely yours. All you need to do is to believe in yourself. Know that you are enough and that you have what it takes to be successful. Just let go of your fears and self-doubt. Be confident.

No matter how stressful the situation you are in right now, believe that you can overcome this challenge. You need to have faith in your own capabilities. Be strong!

Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle.
– Christian D. Larson

Your Goals

Start by redefining your goals. What may be working before may no longer work today. Then, do one small step a day towards your goals. Do this consistently over time.

Simple daily disciplines – little productive actions, repeated consistently over time – add up to the difference between failure and success.
– Jeff Olson, The Slight Edge

Stumbling Blocks

If you fail, it is okay. You can rise back up again. After all, failure is part of success. The most successful people persevered. They were able to rise above their circumstances. If others can do it, why can’t you? Learn the lessons and move on.

There will be people around who are going to make you doubt yourself. However, it is up to you if you are going to let them influence how you see yourself. Before letting their words and actions hurt you, it is best to ask yourself first who are these people? What are their intentions? Do they have your best interests at heart? Where are they coming from? You should learn to identify the toxic people that you should avoid. Do not allow their negative remarks to occupy your mind. Do not let them affect how you see yourself.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
– Eleanor Roosevelt

If you know your self-worth, no amount of negative words or situations can make you feel inferior. Remember, the choice is yours and yours alone. You gave the consent. You allowed them to make you feel small and miserable. Don’t let it happen again.

Love Yourself

Learn to trust and love yourself. Believe in your infinite potential. You can do it!

Edited version. First published in Pinoy Smart Living on 03.27.2019

Nov

2020

10 Toxic People That You Should Avoid

Reading Time: 5 minutes

Toxins are everywhere – from the food that we eat to the things that we use. They are even in the air that we breathe and the water that we drink. Just like in the food, air and water; they can also be found in the people around you. Daily exposure to toxins is poisonous, harmful and dangerous to the body. It leads to sickness, diseases and even death if not flushed out from the body. In the same way, that too much exposure with toxic people can affect your overall health, happiness and success. We may not be able to totally avoid it but we can reduce our toxic exposures by doing things like not eating canned goods, avoiding plastic water bottles and going organic. Likewise, we should also avoid exposures to toxic people. But how to identify the toxic people? Here are 10 toxic people that you should avoid.

Generally, toxic people spread negativity. They are highly contagious. They drain your energy. You are better off avoiding them at all cost since they can create chaos around you. If you spend too much time with them, you might even end up like them. Remember, you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with .

Toxic people will pollute everything around them. Don’t hesitate. Fumigate.
– Mandy Hale

1.The Arrogant

Arrogant persons are people who act superior than others. They think of themselves as more important, thus, they disrespect and put others down. They think that their thoughts, beliefs and experiences are way better than others. Some people become arrogant because of the success that they have accomplished in life. They want others to appreciate them to boost their self-worth. On the other hand, for some people, their arrogance is actually a self-defense mechanism to hide their insecurities and inferiority complex.

An arrogant person considers himself perfect. This is the chief harm of arrogance. It interferes with a person’s main task in life – becoming a better person.
-Leo Tolstoy

2. The Complainer

Complainers are people who think that the world is out to get them. They perceive themselves as perpetual victims. They don’t see themselves as negative people, instead they see the whole world in a negative light and they are merely voicing out their annoyance to all the unfortunate events happening around them. Complainers are people who are looking for understanding, sympathy and emotional validation.

When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation or accept it, all else is. madness.
– Eckhart Tolle

3. The Critic

Critics are people who are skeptical about things. They often criticize and oppose everything and everyone around them. They will sabotage any new ideas and they will keep you from achieving your highest potential. Critics are actually people who have a lot of fears in their lives. They don’t have the courage to take risks. Their statements are actually projections of their own fears and worries.

Don’t let someone who gave up on their dreams talk you out of going after yours.
– Zig Ziglar

4. The Envious

All persons experience an occasional feeling of envy. We are after all humans. This emotion arises when we see someone who is better than us whether it be their beauty, intelligence, wealth or success. Envious people however, take their jealousy to the next level. They let their feelings control them to the point that they begin to hate the other person. On extreme cases, they even harm the person they are envious of. This stems from their inferiority complex. They feel worthless deep inside that they subconsciously developed the habit of comparing themselves to others.

Envy is the art of counting the other fellow’s blessings instead of your own.
– Harold Coffin

5. The Gossipmonger

People who like to gossip derive pleasure in the misfortunes of others. It might be fun and entertaining at first but spreading confidential information and offensive judgements eventually gets tiring and uncomfortable. You will only end up hurting other people. Gossipmongers are persons who are unhappy, envious and attention-seekers. They want to feel superior and better about themselves by highlighting the problems of others.

Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
– Eleanor Roosevelt

6. The Liar

Liars are people who lie all the time. They believe that they are smarter than everyone else and that their lies will never be found out. It is hard to trust these people because you never know what to believe. Doubt and mistrust will always be present in the relationship. Remember that they never keep their promises. If they lie to you about themselves and about others, there is a big probability that they will lie to others about you too.

When someone lies to you, it’s because they don’t respect you enough to be honest, and they think you’re too stupid to know the difference.
– Unknown

7. The Narcissist

Have you ever had a conversation with somebody whom you can’t get a word in? Narcissist people love to talk about themselves. They think the world revolves around them. They are not concerned about anything else. Narcissists don’t ask questions nor will they ask you how you are doing. Even if they do, they won’t wait for your responses. Professionals argued that a narcissistic personality is linked to a parent-child relationship. They are people who either have narcissistic parents or they received excessive pampering as a child.

The narcissist doesn’t question himself. He never wonders if he is at fault. Why? Because in his mind he is never wrong. You are.
– unknown

8. The Party Animal

It is all right to party, have fun and go out occasionally. The body needs to unwind every now and then to relieve some stress. However, doing it excessively can be disastrous not only for your wallet but also for your health, productivity and overall well-being. Party animals are sad and depressed individuals. They try to escape the reality of their lives and seek temporary comfort through heavy partying.

IF you want to become a party animal, you have to learn to love in the jungle.
– Kelly LeBrock

9. The Puppeteer

Puppeteers are expert manipulators. They deliberately exploit the other person for their own benefit. Be careful, puppeteers are disguise as good friends. They are the friendliest, most accommodating and they will flatter you with words that you want to hear. Unfortunately, they are only nice to you because they want something in return. You will be taken advantage of over and over again as long as you let them control you. They are self-centered individuals whose words and actions are intended to seduce and impress you so they can achieve their aim.

People who feel the need to control others, don’t have control over themselves.
– Unknown

10. The Temperamental

Temperamental persons are persons whose moods change very quickly. One minute everything seems perfectly normal, the next thing that you know that person can turn into a monster. They are very hot-headed and irritable. They are also bad-tempered and moody. Controlling their own emotions is not their forte. Being with them will make you the receiving end of their negative emotions. They can even embarrass you in public or worse, they can hurt you. As a result, you will forever be walking on egg shells being around these people.

You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend or new acquaintance – you don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owes up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries or continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go.
– Daniell Koepke

Updated version. First published in Pinoy Smart Living on 19.09.2018.

Feature Image by Pete Linforth from Pixabay Images.

Oct

2020

Managing Relationship Stress in The New Normal

Reading Time: 3 minutes

Maintaining healthy relationships during a time of uncertainty is quite stressful. Each person is under different kinds of stress which takes its toll on relationships. So it is important that we learn our way in managing relationship stress in the new normal.

With many individuals facing unemployment and families grappling with financial instability, stress build-up is a common occurrence in this new normal. Relationships are important as they provide meaning to person’s lives. Social ties also provide individuals with a sense of hope and a circle of support during tough times.

Tips to Managing Relationship Stress in The New Normal

Here are some tips to keep in mind as you navigate through relationship stress not only in this new normal, but in the times ahead.

Understand each other’s unique needs

No two relationships are the same because each person has unique needs and expectations. Thus, there is no one method that fits all types of managing relationships.

It is more helpful to first figure out what each person’s unique character is and how you are different from them. This way, you have a better idea of how to communicate with them about challenges.

One way to look into is to figure out what love language each of you has. This way, you already have an idea of how to comfort the other person when they are stressed out.

Stay on their side when things get stressful

When you see that the other person is under great stress, cut them some slack. Give them breathing room to think and vent out. You may be feeling just as stressed but getting into a verbal fight won’t help things.

The best thing to do is to walk away from each other until both of you have calmed down and are not as emotional about the issue. Give each other some time to think things through. Giving the other person time to manage their emotions is also being kind to yourself as you don’t stress yourself even more. After all, you can’t calm someone down if you aren’t calm yourself.

Most importantly, remember that this situation is just a phase and it will also pass. So there is no need to dwell in it too long. Talk only when both of you feel that you are ready. Trust that in the end, everything will go well.

Take the time to listen to each other

Only talk when both of you feel that you are ready to sort things out and be honest when doing so. Don’t go into the conversation with the intention of winning the argument. Your main goal should be to understand the situation as a whole, which means understanding the other person’s point of view.

This means that you have to listen actively. Listening actively involves letting the person finish their thoughts instead of butting in. Asking them questions to clarify what they mean instead of explaining your own point of view. This is key to a deeper understanding of the other person’s feelings and perspective.

Take turns to listen and express your feelings and perspectives. Pause to think when you need to. Clarify when you need to by asking questions. Be honest and sincere so that the other person will do the same.

Give and respect each other’s alone time

It may seem like the wrong approach but taking some “alone time” or “me time” is important during challenging times. Even if we crave for social interaction so we can talk out our issues, alone time provides us with the breathing space to vent out and to truly understand how we feel about the situation and how we hope things will turn out.

So if someone suddenly doesn’t return your messages or calls, don’t send them an angry text or make incessant calls. Instead, send them an encouraging message and tell them that you look forward to talk with them again as soon as they have time or when they are ready.

In the same way, taking time out for yourself to process the thoughts and emotions that stress you out. This will also help with your mental health. This gives you the space to clarify things in your own head and heart so you can talk about it with honesty and sincerity.

There is no magic recipe for how to make relationships work. There is certainly no guide book in managing relationship stress in the new normal. However, maintaining healthy relationships is an important part of every person’s life. Stress caused by challenges is also a part of each person’s reality and in every relationship. It will help you grow individually and help your relationship develop even further.

It is important to give each other time and space to do what they need and maintain an attitude of understanding when conflicts and problems arise. In this way, you are able to resolve conflicts and manage stress so you can maintain your relationships.

Featured Image: Original Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash.

Sep

2020

It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

Reading Time: 2 minutes

People have the tendency to always make themselves feel better, or at least pretend to be better when in front of others. That’s human nature. However, what if you are emotionally bro ken? Is it still okay to fake it when you are breaking inside? Well, life is full of challenges. All our emotional experiences, our pains and failures, are all necessary components for our growth and success. Thus, it is important that we go through them and not avoid them. No matter how painful it is, feeling the emotional experiences is the only way to overcome challenges in life. So yes, it’s okay to not be okay.

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Have you seen the Korean drama It’s okay to Not Be Okay? Aside from the stellar performances of its cast, the drama is packed with significant lessons on life and mental health. It’s all about overcoming psychological wounds in order to grow and be truly happy in life.

We all had to go through painful experiences at one point in our lives. In truth, all of us are broken in our own way. What’s important is how we get through the lowest point in life. And the only way to do this is to first feel the pain. Pain is necessary. It is unavoidable. So give yourself time to feel the pain. It can be a day, a week, a month or even a year. No need to pretend that you are okay when you are not.

And then after some time, it is time to let go. That’s the only way to move forward.

It’s healthy to admit you’re not okay. It’s okay not to be okay, it’s brave. But don’t let it win. Be sad. Have your moment, your day or week. Then do something about it and be happy for yourself.
-Jessie J.

Feature Image by Huy Ngan from Pixabay Images

Aug

2020

The Power of A Smile

Reading Time: 2 minutes

To pout or to frown was our usual reaction as children, when we felt down or upset. We carry this behavior into our adult selves. Adults sometimes choose to remain pouting or keep on frowning even when things are looking up. Most adults have forgotten the power of a smile. Smiling reduces stress. It elevates your mood. It also gives your confidence and makes you feel more attractive.

There is a popular saying that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”. This makes us think that we have no control over how beautiful, or not beautiful, we look to others. Of course, the quote is not referring to physical beauty but the beauty within us and our capacity to see the beauty within others.

All of us wish to be beautiful in the eyes of others. However, we often forget to love ourself enough so that we feel beautiful about ourself. If we can’t appreciate ourself, then no one else will see that we are beautiful too. So take the time to appreciate yourself. Look in the mirror and smile at yourself each morning. See how you are transformed for the better by the power of a smile, your smile, as each day passes.

People may not see us as physically beautiful but doesn’t mean we can’t be beautiful in their eyes. The only way they can know that we have beauty inside us is by expressing that beauty. Smiling is the quickest way to do so.

Launch Challenge

Try out this challenge. Next time you want to appreciate someone, look at them and offer a genuine smile before expressing yourself with words. Let the power of your smile serve as a prelude of good things to come. You can also try smiling at yourself in the mirror first thing in the morning.

Feeling upset? It’s ok to feel bad for some time but once you’ve gone thru the hurdles, appreciate yourself and smile. Let your loved ones know that you’re alright again by smiling. This also let’s the Universe know that you are looking forward to better things to come.

Updated. First published on Pinoy Smart Living on 2019.02.17.
Feature Image: Original Photo by Lesly Juarez on Unsplash.

Apr

2020

What Matters Most in Life

Reading Time: 2 minutes

When we think about what matters to us the most, we often think of our goals for ourselves, for our loved ones, for our work, for our community. However, there are even more fundamental things to consider so that we can achieve these goals — and even when we don’t — and these are the things that truly matter.

In science, the common understanding in the past was that the atom was the basic building block of all matter. However, upon further investigation with more modern and more powerful instruments, we now know that the atom itself is composed of even smaller elements and these elements are composed of elements that are smaller still.

Who are You When Alone?

If we liken each individual to an atom, what are the smaller components that make up someone that enable them to succeed in living a full life in this world? This is where we should look for what matters most for each person.

“The starting point of discovering who you are, your gifts, your talents, your dreams, is being comfortable with yourself. Spend time alone. Write in a journal. Take long walks in the woods.”
— Robin S. Sharma

Have you spent time learning about yourself on your own? If you are not comfortable being by yourself, then you cannot expect other people to be as comfortable with you as you’d like them to be. This also means that you are only looking to be with other people because you cannot bear to be by yourself. Why is that so? A time of isolation is a great opportunity to get to know yourself even better. You may find out what your real goals in life are in the process.

“Loneliness is no excuse for compromise. Be comfortable with yourself before you choose to be with someone else just to avoid being alone.”
— Yadin Kaufmann

Who are you when you are by yourself? Whether you are living with your family or you living alone, try to set aside time to get to know yourself better. When you learn to like and love yourself as you are; you will find that your self-confidence will grow and you will find ways to address your own shortcomings as you get to know yourself better.

Who are You in Front of Others?

Our personalities are just the tip of the iceberg that we show other people. Who we are as individuals — our mindset, our attitude, our character and the values that we deem important — are what matters most for each person. These are the things that influence how we interact with other people and how we act and react to the trials we go through life.

“Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curve your own dreams, your own beliefs, your own stunning clarity, and when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself.”
— Bianca Sparacino

Original Photo by Jeswin Thomas from Pexels.