behavior

Jan

2022

How to Stop Playing the Blame Game

Reading Time: 4 minutes

Are you still playing the Blame Game? Many of us as children have played this game. We did it involuntarily because we didn’t want to be punished for our mistakes. As adults, we are taught to take responsibility for our mistakes so we outgrow this habit. However, we do resort to this tactic sometimes in certain situations. Some adults even do not outgrow this mindset and are still playing it in their daily lives. How do you stop playing the Blame Game?

What is The Blame Game?

The Blame Game starts when one person tries to shift the blame away from himself and towards other persons, things, or circumstances. For example, when 2 children are fighting over a toy and ends up breaking it; they tend to blame the other child when questioned by their parents. As adults, this is a dangerous game to play as it has major, even dangerous consequences.

The Blame Game is very contagious. When one person starts it; those who are blamed usually end up blaming others in an attempt to not suffer any punishment. They also blame others so that they have other people to share the punishment with. This seems very silly but this is quite a common occurrence even in the most professional workplace.

Why Do We Play The Game?

Shifting blame away from ourselves is a defense mechanism. It is a tool we use when we feel attacked and want to fight back. It is an easy game to play because we all know that people are capable of lying. So, in the heated moments, we usually end up trying to figure out who or what to blame; instead of trying to understand the core issue or the root cause of the whole situation.

Those who are always playing the Blame Game are usually people who feel like they have lost control over the situation. They do not want to be targeted as the only one responsible. It is an attempt to get justice for oneself but in a very selfish way. When you start blaming others, it shows a lack of confidence on your part and a lack of trust in others’ opinions of you as well.

Are You Playing the Game?

You may not be aware that you are playing the Blame Game. Here are some behaviors and habits that serve as symptoms that you are in this game.

Excluding Other People. Are you in a group that regularly excludes one or more members in discussions? You have the impression that this person is “weak” and need not be included. If you find yourself being excluded or you are excluding yourself voluntarily; then you are in this game.

Looking for A Target. When a situation seems to be going downhill; people tend to find a scapegoat to shift the blame on. Often, the target are usually individuals who are the least knowledgeable about the whole situation; or someone who is deemed gullible. They would not be able to identify the real culprits.

Denying Responsibility. When things don’t go as planned, people often shift blame away from themselves by denying that it was their responsibility in the first place. They might lie and find excuses by blaming other people or circumstances as the cause that prevented them from completing their tasks or duties.

Finding Fault Instead of Solutions. When the focus of a meeting becomes finding who’s at fault instead of finding a fix or a solution; then everyone is playing the Blame Game. Everyone becomes distrustful of each other and afraid that they might be targeted by everyone else.

How to Stop Playing the Blame Game

Playing the Blame Game as children is understandable. As adults, we are all capable of planning our actions ahead of time to get the most favorable results; so we shouldn’t end up playing this game. However, if you do find yourself playing this game; then you need to work on your self so you can stop playing the game.

Get to Know Yourself. If you don’t know yourself, then you won’t recognize your own faults. There are many ways to do this. One is to meditate so you can reflect on your self. Practice mindfulness so you can identify your behavior patterns, emotional triggers, etc. Learn more about your shadow side, your different personas. Write your bucket list so you can identify your goals and dreams and how you can work on them. Have a gratitude journal so you know what resources and blessings you have that you can use for your goals.

Invest in Yourself. If you do not want to be the target of blame and to become a more responsible adult; then you need to start investing more time and resources in becoming a better version of you. Read books, watch learning videos, take classes, listen to audio books. By investing in yourself; you can become more knowledgeable and skillful in your work or passion. Unleash your genius and surprise even yourself. Working on improving yourself will help you become a more responsible person and will enhance your self-confidence too.

Learn from Your Mistakes. The only way to not be scared of making mistakes is to have a learning mindset. Don’t be scared to take risks and try something new. Take each situation as an opportunity to learn instead of a setback. With a positive attitude; you will not be scared to take responsibility for your own mistakes. People who have this attitude usually attract other people who also have a responsible character and who can help you in your endeavors. These are the kind of people who will find a solution with you instead of finding blame for negative results.

Learn to Apologize Properly. Part of being a responsible individual is to know when and how to apologize properly. Being able to acknowledge your own faults and mistakes shows the strength of your character. It tells other people that you are confident and reliable enough to fix things when they don’t turn out well.

Express Your Gratitude. Don’t be shy in expressing your thanks to someone. Not only will this show your sincerity; it also means that you are confident enough to show your true self in front of others. An attitude of gratitude also enhances your trustworthiness in other people’s eyes. It may be awkward to do this at first, but practice makes perfect.

In order to stop blaming yourself and others; you need to start taking responsibility. If you can acknowledge your own faults, then you won’t be inclined to blame others. You can only do that when you know yourself better. By knowing yourself deeply; you’ll also be able to recognize what situations you can take responsibility for and which one’s you’d rather give to someone more capable. This means that you make less mistakes which also means less opportunities to play the blame game.

Watch the video and get the worksheet to get more insights.
Feature Image: Original Photo by Adi Goldstein on Unsplash.

Nov

2021

Taking the Risk: Just Go For It

Reading Time: 3 minutes

All of us have experienced pain and challenges in life. Most of us have lost the attitude of “just go for it”. We’ve all learned the lesson of how to avoid pain and how not to take unnecessary risks. For some of us, our past experiences may have been too traumatic. As a result, we transformed from a flower ready to bloom into a shrinking flower unwilling to open our petals. However, taking risks does have its rewards. The trick is to be more in tune with yourself so you know when and what risks you can take. Sometimes, there is fun and satisfaction on the other side of fear.

Young people are admirable for their courage to take risks. They just go for it and do it. Although adults usually see their behavior as foolish; they are actually enjoying their experiences. They also recover quickly from any setbacks. Their actions may seem brash and irresponsible but older people envy them for being able to enjoy each moment of their life. When they want to do something; they just do it. We sometimes wish that we had their energy and enthusiasm for life. Most young people live by the motto: “You Only Live Once”, so do what you want to do. When we think of spontaneous adventures; we usually associate this experience with young people.

While we often describe young people as impulsive decision makers; they are actually more in tune with their self. They make spur-of-the-moment decisions based on their feelings at the moment even if it may make them seem fickle-minded. For most young people, the main reason for doing something is just for the fun of it. There may be negative consequences afterwards; but they had fun together while doing it. It also deepens their friendship.

Grown-ups can also do what they want to do, when they want to do it, with the people they like. In fact, we should be able to make better decisions on what risks to take because we have more life experience. In short, we are able to make informed and even planned risks. We can also be better prepared for the consequences if we fail.

We can’t go back to our teenage years but we can bring back our youthful enthusiasm for life and hone our risk-taking instincts. The first step is to practice taking small risks. With practice, we can be more confident in making major, risky life decisions when needed. Try being mindful about your own behavior and reactions. Just doing something different each day is a good start. The thrill of doing something for the first time, or after a long time, is always a good way to boost your enthusiasm.

Have the urge to appreciate some flowers? Just go for it. Stop and take time to smell the flowers. Take a moment to appreciate the smell of your morning coffee before diving into work. Is your commute getting boring? Maybe take a different route to go to work or back home and see how it makes you feel. A cute shirt caught your eye? Just go for it! Buy the shirt and observe the bounce in your step afterwards. Go on that sudden road trip you were invited to. Do you feel excited again? Say yes to the invite.

Making unusual decisions or risky decisions can feel scary and thrilling at the same time. You can call it gut instinct, intuition or a message from the Universe. The point is to follow the more pleasant feeling of excitement and thrill and see where it takes you. You might find even more wonderful experiences waiting for you on that different route to the office. This is also practicing how to be honest with yourself. It is an opportunity to choose what you really want instead of going with your usual reaction or behavior. While you are doing this experiment, it helps to do it with people you know and care about. They will be the first ones to notice if you have changed. They will also provide added guidance to ensure that you are not recklessly making your decisions.

Feature Image: Original Photo by Taylor Smith on Unsplash.

May

2021

Persona: What is Your Social Mask?

Reading Time: 2 minutes

We all wear a social mask to hide our true personality so as to conform to social norms. Whenever we go out in public, we always project a good image that exaggerates a version of ourselves. We do this most especially in front of people that we want to impress such as someone we like or a boss. We hope that by doing so, we make a good impression on them. The character that we play in front of others is our persona. So, how will you describe your persona: what is your social mask?

Your Social Mask

Are you the cool guy or the social butterfly? Or are you the bully or the control freak? Or maybe you are the martyr or the people-pleaser? What is your social mask? Think of yourself as a character in a drama, then analyze what kind of a character you are playing. How will you describe your personality when in front of others?

We wear masks to protect ourselves and to conceal something. The new normal entails us to always wear masks to hide our nose and mouth to protect ourselves and others from the virus. The Phantom of the Opera wears a mask to conceal his hideous face. In the same way that social masking is the role that we play in different social situations in order to meet societal standards. But is that who we really are?

We all have a social mask, right? We put it on, we go out, put our best food forward, our best image. But behind that social mask is a personal truth, what we really, really believe about who we are and what we’re capable of.
– Phil McGraw

Behind the Mask

When we are alone, we tend to do the opposite. We do things that are comfortable. We act based on our emotions and impulses. That is because there is no one to impress. So, there is no need to act. We are free to do anything that we want. That is actually our true personality. It is how we behave when no one else is watching.

Have you heard of people saying that a particular person changed when that person became rich, popular or powerful. Well, the truth is that that person did not change at all. What you have been seeing is the mask that that person was wearing. Who that person is now is actually that person’s true personality.

Money and success don’t change people. They merely amplify what is already there.
– Will Smith

The Yes Man

The problem with social masking lies when we become too engrossed in our roles. We begin to identify ourselves too much with the role that we play that we lose our sense of self. When this happens, we become a ‘Yes Man’. A Yes Man is someone who agrees to everything. This is dangerous because it leads to other people’s abuses. The Yes Man ends up sacrificing himself for others simple because he does not have the courage to say no.

You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it.
– Alan Moore

Balance

The key is balance. Having a persona is good for it allows us to adapt to our environment by conforming to certain standards in society. However, becoming too engrossed in our roles is no longer good because we lose sight on who we really are as persons.

Image by Pexels from Pixabay

Apr

2021

The Marshmallow Test: Now or Delayed Gratification?

Reading Time: 6 minutes

The Marshmallow Test gave children the choice to eat now or choose delayed gratification for another marshmallow. The experiment studied how children exercise their self-control. Stanford professor Walter Mischel conducted this is experiment in the 1960s. This test was part of a series of psychological studies which followed the children’s performance until they had become adults. The results showed the power of choice and the benefits of choosing to delay gratification for better rewards.

The Marshmallow Experiment

The study was first conducted with children ages of 4 to 5. The researchers gave each child a marshmallow. The children had the choice to eat one marshmallow now or later. If they can wait without eating the first marshmallow, they will be given another marshmallow.

Some of the children ate their marshmallows right away as soon as the researcher left. Others struggled with themselves and finally succumbed to the temptation of the treat. Some children waited patiently choosing delayed gratification for a better reward of two marshmallows.

Other items used in the tests were stickers with the same conditions for each of the group of children.

As adult, those who waited for a second marshmallow generally performed well in most areas of their lives. These children scored higher grades in school and responded better to stressful situations. They also had low inclination for substance abuse and other addictive behavior and had better overall health. Their parents also reported these children as having good social skills.

Other Studies

The Marshmallow Test was just one of the tests during the experiment. In another test, a researcher gave a group of children a box of crayons. The researchers promised to give them a bigger box when they returned later but they didn’t return. One group got the promised bigger box of crayons.

The impact of this experiment is tremendous to the child’s psyche and is useful for parents. In this experiment, the first group who had unreliable experiences learned not to trust the researcher’s promise. The second group learned to view waiting as a positive experience. They also trained their minds to wait longer and be more patient. In short, the second group started learning self-control and viewed delayed gratification as a rewarding experience.

This test also showed that a child’s capacity for self-control and choosing to delay gratification was not an inherent trait. Their experiences with other adults and their environment influenced how they view this process.

The series of experiments lasted over 40 years until the children became adults. The performance of the adults showed that being able to delay gratification was a critical factor for success in life.

Mischel and his team have also conducted the test on different parts of the world and the results were universal. More recent studies included include even more variables such as parent’s education and economic status. These studies show that a child’s environment greatly affect their development of self-control. The presence and behavior of other adults around them also affected their mindset on delayed gratification.

Why Delay Gratification?

The Marshmallow Test shows us that even children are capable of self-control. They also show that our ability to make choices are strongly impacted by our environment and the people around us. There are many benefits of choosing to delay gratification for a better, future reward. However, children need to develop trust in the process. These factors are very important to help them develop their patience for delayed gratification.

Making & Keeping Promises

This is especially important for parents to learn that they are their children’s primary role models and simple behavior such as how they keep or break promises and how they react to the same situations can greatly impact their child’s perception of how to behave towards others and how to act in the same situations. Thus, it is important for parents to show their children how to deal better with negative situations early on in life.

Valuing Long-Term Results

This study shows that our capacity for self-control is only limited by how much we value the reward. The higher we see the value of the reward; the more inclined we are to delay immediate gratification. The lower the perceived value of the reward, the less work we put into it. Note that the perceived value of the rewards is also influenced by the person/s who promises to fulfill the reward.

Increasing Self Value

With accumulation of more positive experiences from constantly exercising self-control in stressful or decisive situations; we also learn to perceive ourselves as more capable of doing things to achieve our goals. We increase our perception of personal value and we gain more confidence in making even bigger decisions and handling larger responsibilities. In the process, we learn to value self-discipline as a means to achieve the results we want.

Learn How to Delay Gratification

Most of us adults pride ourselves in our capacity for being able to exercise our self-control and decision-making. But how in-control are we really? How often do we give in to impulse-buying because an item was on sale? How many days a week do we declare as our “cheat day” and we throw away our healthy eating plan outside the window because the pizza or steak was just too tempting or because a friend was treating us to dinner?

Most of us are guilty of just totally losing ourselves in stressful or tempting situations. The good news is, there are ways in which we can practice and enhance our capacity for self-control. We can improve our ability for choosing to delay immediate gratification or to choose whichever next action is most favorable for the end result we want. Just like exercise, we need to train our brain muscles for better self-control.

Start Small

The first step is always a baby step so when introducing a new habit into your lifestyle, start with small goals. If you want to be more productive during the morning, maybe wake up 30 minutes earlier the first week, then try getting up an hour earlier the next week. If you fail at the 30-minute mark, then start again and try for 15 minutes this time. But be sure to do the prep work too, so you better sleep earlier as well. This will also help you in transforming your morning habits.

Break It Down

If you have several goals, then break them down into small actionable steps. For example, if you want to be more productive in the morning, then you need to sleep early and wake up early in order to start work early. List down what you need to do to sleep early such as no watching TV after dinner, making the bedroom more conducive to sleep by getting fluffier pillows and dimming the lights, etc. Do your homework for each requirement and prepare.

Focus on The One

Focus on one thing at a time. Once you have your goals and tasks broken down, pick a task from each goal that you will incorporate into your routine daily. For example, set a time in the evening when you should be getting ready to sleep. If you want to be in bed by 10PM, then start preparing for sleep by 9PM; brush your teeth, wash your face and put on your moisturizer, change into your pajamas, play relaxing music while you do all these, dim the bedroom lights, etc. You can pick any of these to integrate into your routine. Keep adding another task until your prepping for sleep routine is complete.

Be Consistent

When incorporating a new habit, consistency is key to ensure that you adapt the habit seamlessly. So focus on one thing you need to do to achieve your goal each day for a week, then focus on it for another week and so on. Studies show that it takes at least 21 days to learn a new habit so be consistent for at least 3 weeks and by that time, the habit should be so much a part of your routine that you don’t even notice you’re doing it. By then it’s time to introduce the next item on your list.

Change Up & Set a Deadline

Of course, if one method doesn’t work for you, then feel free to change up your strategy until you arrive at one that works for you. It is important that you set a reasonable deadline. Measure your small steps towards your major goal so you can measure your progress which is also reassurance that your efforts are paying off.

Don’t be too hard on yourself though and celebrate each milestone, but don’t go overboard. Stay within your goals. Stay on budget if you have a budget goal! When you’re feeling down, review your goals and remind yourself why you are doing the things you do. Remember what Spiderman’s uncle said to him: “with great power comes great responsibility.”

You may not be out to save the world, but you can save yourself and other people from a lot of heartaches and stress by learning self-discipline and enhancing your capacity to choose to delay immediate gratification for even greater rewards.

The most successful people in the world have mastered the art of delayed gratification. Your ability to practice delayed gratification is a sign of a a high emotional quotient. Your EQ is a determining factor towards your journey to success.

Updated. First published on Pinoy Smart Living on 2018.07.04.
Feature Image: Original Image by studionone from Pixabay.

Aug

2020

The Power of A Smile

Reading Time: 2 minutes

To pout or to frown was our usual reaction as children, when we felt down or upset. We carry this behavior into our adult selves. Adults sometimes choose to remain pouting or keep on frowning even when things are looking up. Most adults have forgotten the power of a smile. Smiling reduces stress. It elevates your mood. It also gives your confidence and makes you feel more attractive.

There is a popular saying that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”. This makes us think that we have no control over how beautiful, or not beautiful, we look to others. Of course, the quote is not referring to physical beauty but the beauty within us and our capacity to see the beauty within others.

All of us wish to be beautiful in the eyes of others. However, we often forget to love ourself enough so that we feel beautiful about ourself. If we can’t appreciate ourself, then no one else will see that we are beautiful too. So take the time to appreciate yourself. Look in the mirror and smile at yourself each morning. See how you are transformed for the better by the power of a smile, your smile, as each day passes.

People may not see us as physically beautiful but doesn’t mean we can’t be beautiful in their eyes. The only way they can know that we have beauty inside us is by expressing that beauty. Smiling is the quickest way to do so.

Launch Challenge

Try out this challenge. Next time you want to appreciate someone, look at them and offer a genuine smile before expressing yourself with words. Let the power of your smile serve as a prelude of good things to come. You can also try smiling at yourself in the mirror first thing in the morning.

Feeling upset? It’s ok to feel bad for some time but once you’ve gone thru the hurdles, appreciate yourself and smile. Let your loved ones know that you’re alright again by smiling. This also let’s the Universe know that you are looking forward to better things to come.

Updated. First published on Pinoy Smart Living on 2019.02.17.
Feature Image: Original Photo by Lesly Juarez on Unsplash.

Jun

2020

7 Ways to Make Your Life More Fun

Reading Time: 6 minutes

Imagine yourself writing a novel and that novel is your life. You know what you want to happen in the future, but at the moment; you don’t know how to continue the story to get there. Have you experienced times like these when it feels like you are stuck in a rut?

Most people would just label you as procrastinating or being lazy but this feeling is real. More often, it’s because of exhaustion or boredom, or a lack of something that you want in your life that you can’t quite put a finger on.

From time to time, we all want to take a break from routine. We want to experience something more exciting and fun. We want to feel that our life is fun and interesting again. Having these moments does not make you weird. It is a normal phase in everyone’s life. You can call it a minor quest in the game of life, and going through it actually helps you grow.

If you’re trying to get yourself out of a funk right now, here are some things you can do to inject more fun into your life.

1. Watch the Sun Rise

If you usually snooze until 6AM, try waking up earlier so you’re up and about before the sun rises. It would be helpful if you also slept earlier the night before but you can use an alarm clock. No matter how sleepy or groggy you feel, get out of bed instead of hitting the snooze button. Drink some water and get yourself some sunshine.

You can open your window or go outdoors to watch the sun rise. Don’t look at the sun directly of course. You can close your eyes and soak up the sunshine. Or you can snap some pictures or draw the scenery or write about it on your journal. Random activities like this encourage you to appreciate life in a fun way. The point is to take some time in your day to appreciate this phenomenon that we usually take for granted. Alternatively, you can watch the sun set too.

2. Try a New Playlist

Can’t focus on work even with your go-to music playlist? Consider working with a new set of songs. Maybe dance songs can energize you more instead of your usual classical music. Or try a fusion of both – modern pop songs played by classical instruments or an orchestra. You can choose music that makes you feel happy or sad, inspired or heart broken. You already know which choice is better for you.

If there are movies who’s theme songs inspire you, search for them online and use that for a change. Or if you want something without instruments, try acapella music or listening to a podcast about a topic you’re interested in. Life shouldn’t feel too dull when you are having fun listening to something that stimulates you.

3. Reorganize Your Stuff

Sometimes boredom sets in when we want something new in our environment. Life can lose its fun when you keep seeing the same things each day. No wonder you feel bored and exhausted with your life!

Take a good, long look at your office setup and try to rearrange the furniture another way. You can also do this for other rooms in your house. Maybe move some of your favorite decorative items from one room to another. If your favorite lamp is in your bedroom, maybe using it on your work desk would improve your creativity and productivity.

Consider doing some decluttering to clear out your room or house and your mind. Maybe you need to reorganize your wardrobe. Or maybe you need to let go of things you are not using to improve the look and feel of your entire home.

4. Sweat Out Your Funk

Rearranging your furniture not enough? Maybe you need more intense activity to stimulate you. Put on your exercise clothes, put on your favorite dance music play list and start moving. Or use a dance exercise video that you like. Inject some fun into your life but doing something you love without fear of judgment.

Just focus on moving your body and don’t mind if you aren’t a good dancer. We all know that exercise can help get your good vibes going. Just don’t do it so intensely that you sprain or break something. Be sure to hydrate yourself and take a break when you need to. Observing healthy habits daily is one way to keep up your energy and avoid feeling exhausted or bored with your day.

5. Catch Up With a Friend

Exhaustion and boredom can also be caused by lack of communication or social interaction. Think of a friend or a family member who you haven’t talked to for some time and make an appointment to call them. Make sure they aren’t busy when you call.

Don’t stress yourself out on what you can talk about. Just be honest and tell them that you just want to talk to them. You can recall the fun you had at certain points in your life when you could still go out together. Most of the time, you will get a positive response. Your friend will appreciate the break in their routine too.

6. Write A Letter to Your Younger Self

Pretend that you are now the successful version of yourself. You need to write a letter to encourage your younger self to not forget to have fun in their daily life. Most importantly, you need explain to them why they shouldn’t give up on their dreams. Be honest and sincere in your letter. It doesn’t matter how long it becomes as long as you are able to put out your true feelings. This process can be therapeutic and help you loosen up some emotional stress that you may be holding on to.

Tears maybe involved as you write your letter so be sure to have a box of tissues and water with you as you do this. You can also play some background music and light some candles to enhance the ambiance. Make the experience special. You are not only going back through memory lane; you are reconnecting with yourself in the process and also creating a new and memorable experience.

7. Read Out Loud

In your younger years, wasn’t it fun to be someone else and live a different life every now and then? Recreate those fun moments again. Get your favorite book or any book that’s at hand and read out loud. Magazines and newspapers also work. You can choose how to read it. You can read it faster than you usually would.

Maybe pretend that you are a broadcaster reading the news or a journalist reporting on site. Read it like you are in a stage play, or read it in a different voice like a movie voice over or a book narrator. Or if it’s a story you’re reading, read it using different voices for each character like when you read children’s stories.

Pick helpful books and articles that are interesting and fun to read instead of those with sad or horrifying topics. Make sure not to disturb your neighbors though, so read out loud but don’t shout. This is a fun way to raise your confidence too.

Why Are You Not Having Fun?

If none of these seem to work, maybe you should ask yourself why you are not having fun in your life. Sometimes, there are more deep-seated reasons why you feel exhausted about your life and why you feel bored of living.

Ask yourself these questions to help you find out why you are feeling this way about your life. Maybe there are some things in your life that you are not addressing. These questions should help you find the reason for your feelings and also help you get to know yourself better.

There are other things you can do when you are stuck at home and feeling bored to ensure that you always have fun experiences in your life. Whatever it is that has got you stuck in your life right now, know that you’re going to be ok. Recognize that the Universe has got your back and a lot of us are cheering you on. Let us overcome this together and become better versions of ourselves from the experience.

Got other ideas on how to inject more fun into your daily routine? We would love to hear them in the comments.

Feature Image: Original Photo by Jackson David from Pexels.